The steaming pile - dealing with irritability

Reaction: Irritability/Anger. 

Some days, everything just annoys me. I want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum. Things that normally I would calmly deal with or ignore have me huffing, sighing exasperatedly or cruelly snapping. The constant attempt to contain it is like forcing the lid down on a bubbling soft drink that is ready to explode. It is very hard work. Sometimes, it bubbles over without being able to control it. Watch out because there is no mindful pause. There is no consideration, it just pours forth, pure molten rage. 

Response: Awareness without judgement (the hard bit!) Here are 2 techniques that help me. And both are responses after the fact. Mindfulness practice has helped reduce the frequency of outbursts as I become calmer and less reactive but... let's face it, there will be times when it cannot be contained. So...

Name it. A good friend of mine and I recently had a good chat about how we are both feeling in these uncertain times. She suggested that naming your emotions can help. Mindfulness gives me the space to notice and awareness to understand those feelings. As I say to my kids, anger often masks another emotion so if I am feeling angry or irritable then often I need to pause and reflect. Something else is going on below that and I need to figure that out. For example, when irritability was arising w while back during lockdown, I took myself off for a walk. I thought about how I was feeling fed up and annoyed. But I also reflected that I was bored. Bored with being at home, bored with the lack of urgency to anything. Here is a good feelings wheel. 

Apologise. Over time I am getting better and better at this. Mindfulness has helped me to put aside the guilt and shame feelings and just clearly identify the mistakes and be honest and open in apologising. The kids especially appreciate this and it also allows me to demonstrate a healthy relationship behaviour. I hope they can notice and take this practice themselves as they grow and mature. I have recently listened to a good podcast which unpacks the art of the apology. It is well worth a listen.

And if this is something you can easily relate to, you may be interested to know that I recently realised that sometimes my periods of irritability were linked to well, my periods! I have been tracking symptoms with my cycle and there is such a thing as "Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). It is a cyclical, hormone-based mood disorder with symptoms arising during the premenstrual, or luteal phase of the menstrual cycle and subsiding within a few days of menstruation. It affects an estimated 5.5% of women and AFAB individuals of reproductive age." For more information, look here. 

Curiosity - cat killer or mindfulness superpower?

I had an enlightening chat yesterday to a good friend of mine who knows me well. I had volunteered myself as a guinea pig for her to practice a new strengths profile. Unlike the traditional Myers Briggs, this one goes a step further and looks at characteristics that you possess that also give you energy and those that drain you. So we had a robust discussion about things I am good at and things that I tend to avoid. We also discussed the fact that I completed the survey on the evening of a day I was having an extreme flare up and how this might that have impacted the outcome.

So today, I want to talk about curiosity. For me, this came out as one of my top strengths - I use it a lot and it gives me energy. The strengths profile came with caveats - use with caution. When you are curious by nature, you can come up with lots of questions and sometimes no answers. So it did make me reflect (Well, of course I did because I am so curious!), how often does my curiosity get me into trouble?

Cat killer. Living with chronic pain for 20+ years means I am often thinking about my pain. Why do I have it? What have I don't to cause it? Why me? This kind of questioning and curiosity can lead to over-thinking, rumination, catastrophising. It was my default use of my curious muscle for many years until I learnt how unhelpful and destructive it can be. So, it is true, if I use my curiosity only to come up with questions (and questions that may be unanswerable or focus on the negative) then I have no answers. These questions only lead to more pain. More anguish and do not help focus me towards achieving a goal or helping myself (main purposes of self managing chronic pain). 

Then, I leaned to use my curiosity superpowers for good.

Mindfulness Superpower. Learning about mindfulness was a turning point in my life. It has helped in so many ways. Choosing to be aware in the present moment has saved me from the deep darkness that can come from focussing on the past (normally this is a self loathing shame over poor choices) or the future (catastrophising about worsening pain and its impacts on my life). But here, right now, in this moment, none of that matters. I can be curious about my breath, my senses, the little things that can bring pleasure. Mindful curiosity in the present moment means I am not focusing on the why I got here but just that I am here. Pain might be here with me but I can be curious about that. I can be curious about other parts of my body, my experience, my thoughts. After deepening my practice, I can also be curious about my responses and reactions in daily life. I can note my thoughts and emotions. But the key to this kind of curiosity is to do so without judgement. I can now say to myself "How interesting, you are thinking this." or "How interesting, you just performed that task and held your breath." or "How interesting, you chose to do this and not that." But the secondary question that I am slowly starting to ditch is this "What does this mean?" or "Why?". Maybe that part isn't as important as just the noticing. Being curious in the present moment is different to being curious to the point of chasing questions down into a ditch until the answers to the questions become toxic and unhelpful. 

"Why?" It just is. Move on. 

If you want to use your curiosity in the present moment, here are some great introductory resources.

Asking for and offering help

Self managing chronic pain requires you to get comfortable with asking for help. Why? Because it is just not easy to do. It requires self discipline, a strong mindset and consistency. It's a 24/7 job and it can get tiring, frustrating and overwhelming  But the good news is that while you are the main one in the driver’s seat with regards to figuring out what works best for you and then (the main part) driving yourself down that road, you can still have a wingman in there along for the ride (or 2,3,4...). There can be such value in building a supportive team around you. This can help in so many ways. Sometimes you need the traditional form of help - getting some to do something you cannot because of pain. But you also need need someone to talk to when things are getting hard and someone to call on when you need extra motivation. On this journey, my friends and family have been great support. 

A support person can only be effective though, when they know what to do. They need to know how you are feeling ( the actual truth!) and they also need to know how they can help.  When you are having a bad pain day or in a flare up, get your team to help you enact your plan. I have a list of the things that work for me to reduce my pain...or to turn down my pain dial.  I have a very clear and definite plan. My loved ones know about it and therefore they can support me through these difficult times by suggesting the right techniques (i.e. not suggesting I go for a lie down or feel sorry for me). Often my little ones will pipe up with “Mum, you need to go and meditate!” 

Getting to this point required a bit of work.  I needed to get more comfortable with telling the truth and with asking for help. In the past, before I had reached a point of acceptance, I found it difficult to talk about my pain (without tears) and to ask for help. Admitting to the pain felt like a weakness. Admitting I need help made me feel helpless, like I couldn't cope, that I was failing. Often I was battling my own self loathing, guilt and shame. I blamed myself for my pain - I felt my own poor decisions had gotten me into a flare up therefore I need to deal with it (read- suffer the consequences). That is not something you readily share!

A few things helped me turn this thinking around. Firstly, after many conversations with friends and family I realised, they want to help. No one likes seeing someone they love in pain or suffering in any way. They would move mountains to take that pain away. So, many times, they wanted to help but didn't know how or would be repeatedly rebuffed by me. 

"Can I help?" 

"No, I'm fine."

They were genuine requests but I shrugged them off, trying to be tough, strong, prove (to whom?) I could do it myself. I came to realise that there are people in my life that I love. With them, I can be honest and ask for help and I know they will do anything for me because that is what friendship is. And when the time comes, I will be there for them too. 

Secondly, I realise that asking for help was not weakness but a demonstration of strength. Understanding vulnerability (read anything by Brene Brown to help with this!) and mindfulness has helped. Asking for help just means, that, in this moment, pain has made things in your life challenging and to make things easier and to ensure you get through this little period without making things worse (overdoing it, pushing through, ignoring that you are beyond stretched) you ask for something. It might be a meal, taking kids to give you a break, asking someone in the house to do a chore that you normally do. Anything. But if it can lessen your load, in that moment of pain, it's worth it. 

A few tips - asking for and offering help:

Be specific. Recently a friend told me a good way to help is to be specific. Let's go back to those standard lines."Can I help?", "No I'm fine". If you can be very clear around the kind of help you need or are offering, it is easier to accept. e.g. Can you please mind the kids for a few hours so I can go to the warm water pool? Would you like me to cook a meal and bring it over tonight so you can have a night off?

Communicate. During our pain management course we had a family day. It was an opportunity to share with our loved ones some of the things we had learned but also to get some things out in the open. I was able to honestly explain how I felt, explain what I needed. But it was equally important to hear from my loved ones about how my pain made them feel. When pain overwhelms us it is very difficult to see much beyond the sensations. So I ended up gaining some amazing insights into how my pain affected them. These discussions led to some real turning points. 

Listen. Ask for the help of a good ear! A friend or even someone you pay to listen to you but it can be very cathartic to off load some of your problems and challenges. You don’t need the listener to fire back solutions to you. Often the process of telling your story might begin to highlight your own solutions. I was seeing a phsychologist for a while. She was a great listener. So much so that I felt the need to fill all the pauses. I would talk. I would stop talking she would look at me calmly and I felt I should just keep talking, Sometimes, these pauses and silences gave me a chance to realise the stupidity of my own statements and I would sit and have an 'ah-ha' moment while see sat and gave a knowing smile! She would gentle ask questions, clarify a statements I made. She never gave a direction or made suggestions. She would just gentle promtpt and the questions she asked me often led me to my own revelation or solution. She challenged my reasoning and thought processes. 

So, let's get comfortable with asking for help when we need it. Let's all acknowledge that asking for help is a sign of strength. The help is there, our loved ones are waiting to be asked!

Be like a hippo

Hippos like to wallow in the mud. But they know not too stay in there too long especially as the heat of the sun bake bake the mud. Sometimes I like to wallow in self pity but I also know, not to stay there for too long. 

At times, particularly this year, I have fallen from my path. The way back seems so hard. My "back on track" seems miles off in the distance. And then I start to just get sick of it all. Fed up. Over it. Lost. 

At this point, I would gladly take the pill, the drug, the procedure, the operation, anything to take the pain away. The hardness of it all. Any strength I had is drained and I am so tired. Tired of having to always assess, manage, make the decisions, take action. It is at these times that I cannot do it alone but no one else can do it for me. And it is in this conundrum that I get stuck, unmoving and I need to just, wallow. For a while. 

I will do the next right thing. But for now, I am going to wallow. A time-limited wallow. A wallow with awareness, knowing that tomorrow I will get back up again. Like the hippo, I will come out of the mud and graze, swim, play - whatever that thing is I need to do to keep moving forwards. 

#startwhereyouare

#onestepatatime

#wallowwithawareness

#mindfulmoment

#selfmanagechronicpain

Microblog: Routines and Elasticity

(Recently, I have been waking up, writing then stretching in my morning routine. I have been productive and it has been working well. Then, this morning, I woke up very sore and stiff. I knew I had to stretch first. I did, I feel better but now I have less time available to write. So, here is my microblog (thanks Vidyamala Burch for the pro-tip) on routines and elasticity.

The writing brings me joy

The pain holds me rigid

The breath helps me melt

The movement greases and eases the joints

The routine gives my brain a tiny break from decision making

The break gives me space for all the other parts of...

The pain makes me rigid 

So the routine needs to change

The breath helps me melt

And go with the flow

Beginners Mind

A few months ago, we moved to a new house. It's bigger, we have new furniture, different surfaces. Much loved objects are finding new homes. Everything is clean, shiny. 

I have been reminded of the Buddhist principle of Beginners Mind. When we are young, all new things and experiences fill us with wonder and awe. There is no pre-conceived idea of how things should be, no baggage. Think of how babies can spend hours exploring their own toes. Or when learning a new skill - we persist with the fascination of exploring uncharted territory. When we are experiencing the world with our "Beginners Mind', we are mindful, absorbed in the experience, taking it all in. 

I am trying to harness this feeling by continuing to find joy in exploring this new space. It is preferable to my default - looking around for the negative - look all the unpacking still to do, look at the mess over there, oh no there's a scratch on the new table - overwhelm. 

Beginners Mind has also been useful for exploring my pain and inner thoughts. Especially now as I work with a new physiologist and am dealing with a complex flare up. I am attempting to explore physical sensations with calm curiosity without the judgement. In the past, any assessment of pain is immediately met with catastrophising and guilt. While I have always known pain does not equal damage, it has only been recently, with my Beginners Mind, that I have realised pain can just happen. No reason, no fault or blame. This makes for a totally different experience of pain. If it can be random then it is not my fault - I haven't done something to cause it. Ahh... the relief. To just experience pain and note it. Simple. Noted, now move on.  

My next challenge - trying to leave the 20 years of past experiences, beliefs and judgements behind so I can be a beginner. 

If you want to know some more:

Wonder and Awe - there is lots of beauty there in turbulent times - try this book. 

Pain does not equal damage - try this book.

The power of Beginners Mind - try this short video

Questioning

Here's a mindful practice I have been turning to a bit lately. Questioning myself. How? Good question! - I will give you some examples. 

In my last blogpost, I mentioned I have been thinking about posture and pain and muscle tension - a lot! So whenever I can remember, I have been just pausing and asking myself a few questions to help focus on this. Am I comfortable right now? Am I relaxed? Am I bracing or tensing? If yes, do I need to be?

Just by asking myself it flips my attention to my body and I can scan the area and decide if I need to make a change. Without the questions, there is no pause, no scanning and no change. I can be at the computer, braced and tense for minutes and hours. I can be standing in the kitchen preparing dinner, with shoulders around my ears, ramrod straight and in pain. The questions brings the awareness.

Am I over-reacting? This question usually sparks a slump of regret or shame because often the answer is yes. Mainly it's small inconsequential fights with the kids. I have gotten cross about something - not cleaning their rooms, too much screen time or a smart comment (usually something I would say parroted back to me - how annoying!). By questioning, sometimes, I discover my reaction is not in proportion to the action. Getting fired up usually just results in them getting fired up back to me. Then we have two grumpy people and no resolution. This practice helps bring mindfulness to my parenting (and, as my autocorrect pointed out, my partnering!).

Am I okay? Well, maybe I don't ask this question exactly but a mindful check in on my self talk and inner world can reveal some very useful reflections. Non judgemental curiosity might help me realise that I am being very harsh on myself. Another useful question in this self analysis - Would I say this to a friend or loved one? This helps when I am beating myself up about something or ruminating. Like in the mornings when I lie in bed and call myself a lazy slug. To a friend I might just say, 'come on, up you get, you can do this'. So the question prompts a helpful response. A mindful response. I am reading Sarah Wilson's new book This One Wild and Precious Life at the moment and she talks about asking beautiful questions and one of the great ones is how does my heart feel in this moment?

So, ask yourself some questions and get interested in the answer. And if the answer really upsets you...go and watch some episodes of Bluey!

Relax

I have been working with a new physiotherapist and he has given me a few things to ponder. They relate to a recent journal article about the 10 back pain myths and these are explained in the Empowered Beyond Pain podcast. It certainly has made me stop and think. Mainly about muscle tension. 

Much of my back pain comes from sore and tense muscles around the site of my fusion. It's been like this for 20+ years. But what I am coming to realise is that these muscle aren't just tense they are switched on, permanently. They have been switched on (by me) to protect and brace. Why? Fear mainly. I am scared of movement causing pain so I brace and tense to prevent or avoid it. I also have always thought this way the "right" thing to do. If I am tense and braced then I can be strong and avoid hurting my back. I have built a fort around my spine, protecting it from outside attacks. These muscles are alert soldiers, standing at attention, 'Ready for action, Sir!'

But, there is a problem. I have done this so much, so often, they are switched on ALL THE TIME. Even when they don't need to be and they never, ever get a rest. And this is possibly contributing to the pain. So, for the past few weeks, I have become more aware. I am constantly asking myself if I am tensed up and bracing. Are my muscles switched on? Do they need to be? I've even been given a specific exercise to help train my brain to relax these muscles. 

I have developed a new standing posture - the relaxed posture. Standing doesn't require me to brace everything. Looking in the mirror recently I noticed how tense all my muscles were when I was standing up straight (being a good girl, so I thought!). Everything was firing. So I took a deep breath and as I slowly exhaled, I relaxed. Turned off the glutes, the core muscles, tried to switch off the back (this is still a very hard thing to consciously do) but the transformation was marked. I felt calmer. I looked more relaxed. But, the main thing, there was a decrease in pain. It was a posture I felt I could maintain for much longer than I know I can stand in my normal ramrod straightness. 

So, from now on, I am paying more attention. I am doing away with all the rules I had been taught. I am going to be more relaxed and I am going to be letting my body hang, loosely, lightly. At ease, soldiers. 

The dangers of autopilot

At the moment, we all know this implicitly. Life is busy. Our minds are busy. I am feeling particularly fragile. Corona virus, new lock down in Melbourne, remote learning, uncertainty, managing pain, moving house...lets just say, I have a few things rattling around up there in my brain. None of these are life shattering but each chip away and it all adds up. I imagine I am a circus performer, juggling sharp objects, whilst balancing on a high wire...on a unicycle...covered in bees - okay that's probably overdoing it. I may have been watching a bit too much Magic for Humans (worth a watch if you have Netflix!)

Reacting

"Oh dear, how did I get here?"

Sometimes I wonder if the human brain is too clever for its own good. There are so many things we can do without thinking. Things we have done many times before. There is part of the action that is stored in our memory and so when we do them, we can still think other things, do other things. We switch to auto-pilot. What is going on when a pilot uses the automatic function - have they gone off for a coffee? Toilet break? Watching the in-flight movie? When I act on autopilot, it is because my mind is cluttered, engaged elsewhere. I am off exploring some other idea, ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. 

We have all done it. Been driving and realise we have gone the wrong way. Cooking and wandered off while the frying pan is on. Does anyone remember this ad in the eighties "Oh my goodnesss, the chips!"? A kitchen fire starts while a lady is chatting on the phone. The other day I nearly replicated this. I had some oil warming to cook steaks for dinner. I wandered off to watch television and forgot. Anyway, we were all safe but the kitchen filled with smoke and my frying pan was scarred forever! Also recently, during homeschooling, our morning routines were haphazard and I forgot my daughters scheduled keyboard lesson. We answered the phone in our pajamas and scrambled to get set up. Embarrassing!

Response

Pay attention. A simple solution is to just pay more attention. Of course this is easier said than done as always. My awareness often comes with an instant and deep sense of shame and/or fear. Once recognised, I find it is best to not dwell on what might have happened. A few moments more of distraction...who knows? Best to leave the judgement and just be glad I caught myself being lost. And be grateful that the worst did not happen. 

Connect to senses. After a period of autopilot, I snap myself back to the moment with a sensory overdose. Smell. Hear. See. Feel. Taste. Grab some essential oils, have a barefoot walk on the grass, lie on my acupuncture mat. Listen to some music. It is difficult to get lost when you ave all that present moment experience. 

Touch. Yes, I know, it is one of the senses and I am doubling up but touch for me can be therapeutic. After becoming aware, I like to take some time to be present with someone else. A snuggle on the couch is a great remedy for autopilot blunders. Being kind to myself and soaking up some love from the family. 

Guest Blog - Three Mammas - Responding to Overwhelm

Hi!

I wrote this over on the Three Mamas blog! Overwhelm - arrghhh - something I am experiencing alot this year - and especially now in Lockdown 2.0

Take care

xx

37 words

Reacting, irritated, annoyed

Uncertainty suffocates

No control except my response.

So I,

Apologise for my mistakes,

Ditch the guilt,

Get outside,

Gain perspective from trusted friends,

Choose how I fuel the fire -

It burns on regardless

React or Respond

One of the many things I continue to find challenging is my quickness to react. Something will happen and before I have even had the chance to be mindful, a sharp word, a poor choice, a muttering or grumble will blast out of me. It’s fast and it is without thought. The thinking comes afterwards and usually it is tinged with regret or guilt or shame.

I am hoping to write these blogs with this in mind. My plan is to reflect on my week and think of the times I was able to bring mindfulness into my daily life, and the times I did not. I will structure my blogs with a reaction (the not so mindful moments) and a response (the present moment actions, without judgement).

React – I had a look at definitions and a reaction is action based and in opposition against some force. For me this means, I don’t like what is happening, I want it some other way so I will push it, yell at it, ignore it – all of these result in a very rapid flight or fight. It’s the limbic system that has taken over and attempted to save me from a perceived threat. The choice and action were quick and without consideration or critical thinking. And the more I react, often the more I react…it’s a cycle of stress and it can be hard to break. I liked this short video about the fight/fight response. 

Respond – On the other hand, a response has some separation from the activity. The word return features in this definition and this suggests it does not need to be immediate. I like to think of a return letter (snail mail). You take in the situation, contemplate, and then send your answer. There is a pause and reply.

Viktor E. Frankl, Holocaust survivor and author of the best-selling book Man's Search for Meaning was quoted as saying 

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

As I continue to practice, reflect and build mindfulness into my daily life, I hope I can access that space more often.

Start Again

I am starting with a little introduction to me (hello to you and nice to meet you!) and an explanation of my new blog (this is it - you are reading it)!!

Who am I? Wow...I never realised how difficult it is to answer this question. There is some revelations for me right there. I am just going to write a little nonspecific list - will that do the job?

• Mother and Wife - I put this first because these are the jobs I do for love, with love and am loved. 
• Writer - A new role, hobby, creative outlet. 
• Scoliosis warrior self managing chronic pain - its a big part of my daily life and who I am, what I can do and some of my limitations. 
• Gardener - well, some would argue this one - I have the enthusiasm but rarely the persistence, patience or success. 
• Messmaker - ok, so maybe I am not proud of it but I am just outting it out there - I am full of ideas, I will power into them but I often run out of stream when I get to the clean up phase. 
• Mindfulness practitioner - I consider myself very much a beginner but I am practicing, every day, always learning, growing and hopefully improving. 

The point of this blog? I wanted a regular reminder of my mindfulness practice. I am hoping, by setting myself a weekly blog to write I will be on the lookout for my own mindful moments and I will pause and reflect on some of my successes and failures. In the past few years, I have figured out that mindfulness in daily life is critical for me. Yes, meditation helps too and I also regularly practice a formal meditation (often guided) but its the day to day moments that really have an impact, on my mood, my pain, my relationships and my general well being. These might be enjoying a moment in the sun, relishing a true connection from a snuggle on the couch with my family. It might be pausing before making choices, or taking a deep breath to help relax. These tiny moments is all it takes, and these all add up and help with feelings of overall calm. They also help in managing my pain. Many pain management specialists refer to pacing as a key aspect to self managing pain. Pacing for me is understanding the limits of activities and pain thresholds and being aware of not pushing beyond these. You only need to check out my previous blog to understand more about overdoing it and how this impacts on pain flare ups. But mindfulness in daily life helps me to know where I am at, what choices to make next and to understand and undertake my pacing regime.

Why did I name my first post "Start Again"? Well it is the start of my second blog so I am kind of starting again! But seriously, my biggest learning on my mindfulness journey has been finding joy in my constant need to start again. Like I said, I am practicing. I do it many times a day. Saying to myself "Ok, just start again" gives me the permission to remove any (self-imposed) judgement and begin or re-start a task. Sometimes I have gotten distracted, sometimes I have gotten overwhelmed, sometimes I have disappeared into my own swirling thought patterns or operated on automatic pilot, sometimes I have given in to believing thoughts are facts, sometimes I have reacted instead of responded, sometimes I simply have just made a massive mess (again!). I stop, I pause, I take a breath and I start again.

Here is an example - Recently I was out on a walk. I was feeling really frustrated and my mind was racing. I am starting this blog in a very weird new reality where we are all trying to live with the global CO-VID19 pandemic. Things have been pretty stressful. My walk was intended to clear my head but as I power walked, I was feeling overwhelmed and battling with a range of emotions. I saw a small native eucalypt bush and it was covered in pink flowers.  But I kept walking. A few steps later I stopped and I decided to start again. I walked back to this bush. I stood there and looked and admired and wondered. I saw bees buzzing around and the vibrant, beautiful pink colour of the flowers. I stood for a few moments and simply observed. I took a quick snap on my phone to show the kids when I got back (they were impressed!) and I continued on my walk. That mass of thoughts and emotions that were previously buzzing like those bees, they calmed a little and for the rest of the walk I just put one foot in front of the other and tried to look around me. I wonder though, how many times do I walk and not notice nature's beauty that is all around me?

Please join me, it may not be perfect, it will be just be me sharing my observations over how mindfulness works (and does not work) for me. I do hope some things may resonate with you and bring some insights, some laughs and some opportunities.

Join me on Facebook here.