Impatience

One thing mindfulness has shown me is that I can be impatient (*wincing and backing away*). Actually, I have been told by many people that one of my best qualities is my enthusiasm. But I have also been told that I can rush things. There's a fine line and I often push it!

Looking back, I realise impatience often sabotaged my pain management efforts. I was chasing a quick fix and my goal was always "no pain". I was often told to try this technique, this exercise and when I did (once or twice) and the pain persisted, I got impatient and gave up. It took me a very long time to realise this impatient approach and these unrealistic goals, were not serving me. 

Last year, I wrote the first draft of the novel I have always wanted to write! Yay! Now all I can think about is the next level. Editing, polishing, more writing, writing courses, pitching, and the big one... getting it published. I can waste hours imagining and fantasising about what that would be like, to see my book on a bookshelf. I am impatient to get there but need to focus on the small steps of progress. 

Even writing this, I realise I am impatient. I have taken a break from blogging for the past month or so. Towards the end of last year, I was doing some consistent weeks of Wednesday blogging. It is what I have always aimed for because I know blogs require consistency dedication but most of all…persistence. I am struggling to get back into this routine and I feel annoyed at myself and I am wishing things to be other than they are. There is a tightness in my chest, a slightly sour taste in my mouth.  I float off to where I want to be. And forget where I am. I'm impatient to get to that far off place. Now. Without the effort or the challenges. Buddhists sometimes call this attachment or craving and believe it to be one of the causes of suffering. 

 

This is normally the part in the blogpost where I say this is what to do to magically address the problem. But this time, I don’t really know. I have only recently become aware that I am feeling impatient – and, for now, that’s enough of a step for me. I can just notice without judgement. I can also acknowledge that sometimes, being impatient is understandable, human nature really. We all want it now, bigger, larger, brighter. 

 

Another thing that can help is to begin or expand on a gratitude practice. Rather than getting in an impatient flap focusing on where I want to be, I can just look around and appreciate where I am. Looking for the little things, the progress already made, the family, friends, experiences. 

A good friend of mine and I often randomly share gratitude photos. Our dogs, our homes, our cooking exploits! Just that little moment can be enough to bring it back into the present moment experience. 

Lastly, one thing I have turned towards, especially last year when lockdowns forced us all to be more patient, was to do an activity that deliberately requires patience. Sourdough. Can't beat it! Can't rush it! But has to be eaten and savoured - yum!

 

So, if you have some ideas, please feel free to share. How do you deal with impatience?

The steaming pile - dealing with irritability

Reaction: Irritability/Anger. 

Some days, everything just annoys me. I want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum. Things that normally I would calmly deal with or ignore have me huffing, sighing exasperatedly or cruelly snapping. The constant attempt to contain it is like forcing the lid down on a bubbling soft drink that is ready to explode. It is very hard work. Sometimes, it bubbles over without being able to control it. Watch out because there is no mindful pause. There is no consideration, it just pours forth, pure molten rage. 

Response: Awareness without judgement (the hard bit!) Here are 2 techniques that help me. And both are responses after the fact. Mindfulness practice has helped reduce the frequency of outbursts as I become calmer and less reactive but... let's face it, there will be times when it cannot be contained. So...

Name it. A good friend of mine and I recently had a good chat about how we are both feeling in these uncertain times. She suggested that naming your emotions can help. Mindfulness gives me the space to notice and awareness to understand those feelings. As I say to my kids, anger often masks another emotion so if I am feeling angry or irritable then often I need to pause and reflect. Something else is going on below that and I need to figure that out. For example, when irritability was arising w while back during lockdown, I took myself off for a walk. I thought about how I was feeling fed up and annoyed. But I also reflected that I was bored. Bored with being at home, bored with the lack of urgency to anything. Here is a good feelings wheel. 

Apologise. Over time I am getting better and better at this. Mindfulness has helped me to put aside the guilt and shame feelings and just clearly identify the mistakes and be honest and open in apologising. The kids especially appreciate this and it also allows me to demonstrate a healthy relationship behaviour. I hope they can notice and take this practice themselves as they grow and mature. I have recently listened to a good podcast which unpacks the art of the apology. It is well worth a listen.

And if this is something you can easily relate to, you may be interested to know that I recently realised that sometimes my periods of irritability were linked to well, my periods! I have been tracking symptoms with my cycle and there is such a thing as "Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). It is a cyclical, hormone-based mood disorder with symptoms arising during the premenstrual, or luteal phase of the menstrual cycle and subsiding within a few days of menstruation. It affects an estimated 5.5% of women and AFAB individuals of reproductive age." For more information, look here. 

React or Respond

One of the many things I continue to find challenging is my quickness to react. Something will happen and before I have even had the chance to be mindful, a sharp word, a poor choice, a muttering or grumble will blast out of me. It’s fast and it is without thought. The thinking comes afterwards and usually it is tinged with regret or guilt or shame.

I am hoping to write these blogs with this in mind. My plan is to reflect on my week and think of the times I was able to bring mindfulness into my daily life, and the times I did not. I will structure my blogs with a reaction (the not so mindful moments) and a response (the present moment actions, without judgement).

React – I had a look at definitions and a reaction is action based and in opposition against some force. For me this means, I don’t like what is happening, I want it some other way so I will push it, yell at it, ignore it – all of these result in a very rapid flight or fight. It’s the limbic system that has taken over and attempted to save me from a perceived threat. The choice and action were quick and without consideration or critical thinking. And the more I react, often the more I react…it’s a cycle of stress and it can be hard to break. I liked this short video about the fight/fight response. 

Respond – On the other hand, a response has some separation from the activity. The word return features in this definition and this suggests it does not need to be immediate. I like to think of a return letter (snail mail). You take in the situation, contemplate, and then send your answer. There is a pause and reply.

Viktor E. Frankl, Holocaust survivor and author of the best-selling book Man's Search for Meaning was quoted as saying 

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

As I continue to practice, reflect and build mindfulness into my daily life, I hope I can access that space more often.

Start Again

I am starting with a little introduction to me (hello to you and nice to meet you!) and an explanation of my new blog (this is it - you are reading it)!!

Who am I? Wow...I never realised how difficult it is to answer this question. There is some revelations for me right there. I am just going to write a little nonspecific list - will that do the job?

• Mother and Wife - I put this first because these are the jobs I do for love, with love and am loved. 
• Writer - A new role, hobby, creative outlet. 
• Scoliosis warrior self managing chronic pain - its a big part of my daily life and who I am, what I can do and some of my limitations. 
• Gardener - well, some would argue this one - I have the enthusiasm but rarely the persistence, patience or success. 
• Messmaker - ok, so maybe I am not proud of it but I am just outting it out there - I am full of ideas, I will power into them but I often run out of stream when I get to the clean up phase. 
• Mindfulness practitioner - I consider myself very much a beginner but I am practicing, every day, always learning, growing and hopefully improving. 

The point of this blog? I wanted a regular reminder of my mindfulness practice. I am hoping, by setting myself a weekly blog to write I will be on the lookout for my own mindful moments and I will pause and reflect on some of my successes and failures. In the past few years, I have figured out that mindfulness in daily life is critical for me. Yes, meditation helps too and I also regularly practice a formal meditation (often guided) but its the day to day moments that really have an impact, on my mood, my pain, my relationships and my general well being. These might be enjoying a moment in the sun, relishing a true connection from a snuggle on the couch with my family. It might be pausing before making choices, or taking a deep breath to help relax. These tiny moments is all it takes, and these all add up and help with feelings of overall calm. They also help in managing my pain. Many pain management specialists refer to pacing as a key aspect to self managing pain. Pacing for me is understanding the limits of activities and pain thresholds and being aware of not pushing beyond these. You only need to check out my previous blog to understand more about overdoing it and how this impacts on pain flare ups. But mindfulness in daily life helps me to know where I am at, what choices to make next and to understand and undertake my pacing regime.

Why did I name my first post "Start Again"? Well it is the start of my second blog so I am kind of starting again! But seriously, my biggest learning on my mindfulness journey has been finding joy in my constant need to start again. Like I said, I am practicing. I do it many times a day. Saying to myself "Ok, just start again" gives me the permission to remove any (self-imposed) judgement and begin or re-start a task. Sometimes I have gotten distracted, sometimes I have gotten overwhelmed, sometimes I have disappeared into my own swirling thought patterns or operated on automatic pilot, sometimes I have given in to believing thoughts are facts, sometimes I have reacted instead of responded, sometimes I simply have just made a massive mess (again!). I stop, I pause, I take a breath and I start again.

Here is an example - Recently I was out on a walk. I was feeling really frustrated and my mind was racing. I am starting this blog in a very weird new reality where we are all trying to live with the global CO-VID19 pandemic. Things have been pretty stressful. My walk was intended to clear my head but as I power walked, I was feeling overwhelmed and battling with a range of emotions. I saw a small native eucalypt bush and it was covered in pink flowers.  But I kept walking. A few steps later I stopped and I decided to start again. I walked back to this bush. I stood there and looked and admired and wondered. I saw bees buzzing around and the vibrant, beautiful pink colour of the flowers. I stood for a few moments and simply observed. I took a quick snap on my phone to show the kids when I got back (they were impressed!) and I continued on my walk. That mass of thoughts and emotions that were previously buzzing like those bees, they calmed a little and for the rest of the walk I just put one foot in front of the other and tried to look around me. I wonder though, how many times do I walk and not notice nature's beauty that is all around me?

Please join me, it may not be perfect, it will be just be me sharing my observations over how mindfulness works (and does not work) for me. I do hope some things may resonate with you and bring some insights, some laughs and some opportunities.

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