I have become aware of two previous responses to my chronic pain that I want to change. Change my thoughts, change my response, change my beliefs and change my behaviours.
Blame- When I was diagnosed with scoliosis as a young girl, a family friend suggested to my parents that my twisted spine was a result of “karma from a past life”. He asserted that pain was a burden I would have to carry, for life. My parents brushed it off at the time as ridiculous! At the moment, I am working with a Life Coach and exploring limiting beliefs. Randomly, this incident popped into my consciousness.
Could it be that somehow this triggered a belief that I am to blame for my pain. This is frequently my default response to a flare up. Immediately I will analyse what I must have done wrong to cause it. Did I sit for too long? Did I overdo it? Have I been too lazy and not moved enough? Is it because of something I have eaten? Has my snowballing emotions played a contributing part? All of these questions point the finger solely at me. My fault. This is a blame loop I have been stuck in for a long time.
Shame – All those years of accumulating self-blame become a heavy burden. At some point, pain morphed from my fault not just because of my actions (or inactions) to my fault because I am a bad person. I am weak, I am hopeless. And with this line of thought can easily deteriorate into further poisonous and caustic self-talk. I would never speak to a loved one the way I can speak to myself.
About a year ago, I came across the #10backPainFacts from listening to the Empowered Beyond Pain podcast. Cue several helpful light bulb moments. With the help of a rehab physio, I realised I was constantly tensed to protect my back. Since then, I have learnt to be aware of that and relax more. But the facts also talk about pain being complex and sometimes, even random. I know from my pain science education too that pain can result from mixed messages and crossed wires in the nervous system. So, this supports a different view, pain is not my fault.
Mindfulness of the present moment helps me unshackle from the blame game (what’s happened has happened, so no need to ruminate) and the future (worrying about future actions/inactions). Just be in the moment, right here, as I am.
When I was writing this I was reminded of a scene from the movie, Good Will Hunting. I even went searching for it and had a good cry! Whoa – that one always gets me in the feels.
So, today, I put a hand on my heart and told myself. It’s not your fault.
It was liberating and.….a huge relief.
#MindfulnessInDailyLife
#SelfManageChronicPain
#Shame
#Blame
#ItsNotYourFault