Dear Achievement - We need to break up.

Dear Achievement,

We need to break up. 

 

I have spent much of my life chasing you, believing you to be the object of my desire. 

I was wrong. 

 

You are fools gold. 

 

And here’s why…

 

Motivation. I am often rushing to get things done, pushing myself beyond my limits to reach goals, over-extending and striving, straining for achievement. I am ashamed to admit it this next part. I am ashamed because it has taken me such a long time to figure this out – to see you for what you truly are. But, mostly, I am ashamed because I know that there is a large chunk of the self/ego lurking behind my motivation and desire for you. I want to appear “successful” to others. As a fifth child, adorned with praise and love, and as a Leo, I thrive on praise. A tiny thrill rushes through me when people tell me I am doing well or shake their head in amazement at one of my achievements. It’s a hit of dopamine, and it’s addictive. I really do love hearing the praise, even though, sometimes I am embarrassed and weirdly, my inner critic loves to choose such moments to pipe in with her caustic comments berating me that it is still not enough. Attaining this praise is probably what has kept me chasing you all this time. It is what motivates me to set the bar high, higher, and, screw it, why not set it even higher. It is what allows me to ignore all this reasons calling me to self compassion, to be still, to accept where I am, and to be happy with what I already have. 

 

Fear of abandonment. I recognise too (again, shamefully) that, at times my self-esteem is linked to my sense of achievement. And this is wrong. It hurts me, and I have had enough. As I get older, and as I continue to have a turbulent relationship with the management and acceptance of my chronic pain, I am often disappointed by my achievement. I don’t reach the lofty heights I aspire to, and I have failed to learn the lessons and adapt. 

“Researchers have discovered that achievement-dependant self-esteem makes us vulnerable to feelings of inadequacy and failure when things don’t unfold as expected” – (A fearless Heart – Why compassion is the key to greater wellbeing by Thupten Jinpa). 

Not only is my self-esteem tied to you but also my fear. What happens when I don’t achieve, when I don’t come first, fastest, best? I worry about the reaction of my closest friends and family. Irrational worry because I know, deep down, they love me, unconditionally because of my strengths and not because of my achievements. But still, the doubt and the fear niggle and force me to keep pushing. To keep getting tricked by your shimmer. 

 

Comparision. I have written before on how damaging comparison can be but it will often be lurking somewhere in my desire for achievement. All I tend to see are the people in front of me. I see what they have done, where they are going, and then I judge myself to be wanting, inadequate, barely lovable in my inadequacies. What I fail to see is the humanness in us all, the fact we all want to be free from suffering and happy and healthy in life. Sometimes the glossy Insta post is just a single snapshot in time. Comparing can be dangerous when we compare our worst self to someone else’s best self (their social media portrayal!). I do not need to enter into a dark dance with achievement for comparisons sake. 

 

Fake Fake Fake Fake. Classic line from Seinfeld and I still fall for fake hopes and false notions. Achievement, you have so many times, seen me grasping to an idea, a desire, a future that is not here. Buddhism says this is one of the key causes of suffering….and my experience affirms this. Achievement is often the cause of this desire. I want to achieve X and I won’t be happy until that happens. Often, pain and other life stressors mean achievement X cannot happen…so where does that leave my happiness? If I assign a condition to my happiness that cannot be achieved, what then? I do not need to be restricting myself in this way. By letting go of achievement, I let go of my attachment to results and can experience joy, awe and happiness, in this moment. 

 

This list may even seem like reasons to stay with you. To continue. But your toxic hold is why we need to break up. I am motivated by narcissistic (yet sometimes tantalising) reasons, the love of those important to me is not conditional on me continually pandering to you. My mindfulness practice is strengthening my ability to be equanimous. I can be present in this moment, as I am and that is fine. No need to search for better than or worse than, just me, here, now. 

 

Achievement, you are like the tinder profile with the fake photo. Your promises are empty and shallow. You focus my attention on things I cannot control, and this only leads to my hurt, shame and can be damaging to my self-worth. 

So, it is time. Time to say goodbye. 

Writing mindfully

Mindfulness is awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally,” says Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction.
 
Mindfulness found me when I really needed it. 
 
I ruminated over the past and feared an uncertain future. I did anything to avoid the pain that relentlessly haunted me. I felt out of control – a tiny dingy bobbing on a stormy sea. 
 
For years, I sought magic pills or cure-alls from doctors, clinicians and mystics begging them to permanently remove my pain. I was desperate. When I finally tried mindfulness, I was beginning to accept that pain was a part of my life and one that I had to manage. Mindfulness helped me turn towards my pain - with compassion. It provided me with a useful tool to incorporate into my daily life. 
 
During the Melbourne Covid-19 lockdowns in 2020, sitting beside my remote-learning children, I began writing a novel. I had no idea what I was doing but the words flowed and I rushed to capture them. It seemed natural to have a main character who was learning mindfulness. Write what you know, right?

Writing my main character, Bea, was cathartic. She inadvertently became sprinkled with aspects of my experiences, quirks and challenges. As I wrote my crappy first drafts about Bea, who was learning mindfulness and as I continued my daily mindfulness practice, I slowly became a writer. Here’s how…

Marvelling in wonder
 
Mindfulness helps Bea become more aware of people, place, and her feelings. Her mentor guides her to concentrate on what she feels, what she sees. He introduces her to the Buddhist concept of ‘Beginner’s Mind’ – encouraging her to imagine she has never seen or felt certain experiences. Imagine you have never tasted a sultana and then you slowly explore the feel and sensations of it in your mouth. Imagine you have never seen an ant. Wouldn’t you marvel at their size and strength and speed? As a writer, I often need these present moment experiences to translate into my story. Describing the feel of a scratchy carpet under a character’s feet, the tangy smell of eucalypts, the slurp of soup from a spoon – you get the picture – and that’s the point, writers need to use words to help their readers transpose themselves into the story. We have all heard the advice, ‘show don’t tell’, and to do this, I turned to my mindfulness practice. In a place or situation, even behind the closed eyes of my imagination, I brought a beginner’s mind to languish in immersive present moment research. 
 
Start again 
 
Over the years, my mindfulness practice has been haphazard at best. But, like a loyal Labrador, my practice is forgiving, welcoming me back to start again the moment I turn my attention towards it. For a long time, my mindfulness mantra has been ‘start again.’ I made sure my protagonist Bea was taught this little gem by her mentor as well. When she starts meditating and notices she is worrying or ruminating, she starts again. In writing, there have been many opportunities for me to start again. New projects, new ideas, even in the middle of writing. When I completed the first draft, I sat back, sipped some prosecco, I was done, right? But I needed to start again – follow new directions, kill some darlings, play Tetris with the structure, and flesh out some grey, lifeless parts of the story. Mindfulness helped me start again - without over-thinking or judgement. 

The mindful pause
 
Bea is great at speaking and acting without thinking. She’s known for her impulsiveness in her family. Foot in mouth? The awkward moment? She excels at these. She often forgets to take the mindful pause to question, ‘Should I say that?’, ‘Should I do that?’ In writing, taking a mindful pause often helped me avoid writing thousands of words in the wrong direction. It helped prevent random Twitter rants that I would have regretted later. It helped me be more targeted, precise, changing a sentence full of verbal diarrhoea into perfect prose (well, not always).

Compassion for others
 
Mindfulness is very much pivoted towards expanding your perspective, embracing compassion for yourself and others. Bea leaps into the second part with abandon. She is known in her family as Little Miss Fix-It and has always been a helper, a people pleaser. But she finds out sometimes you just need to be there for someone, listen, offer compassion. By pivoting my focus beyond my own work, a door has opened to the writing community, to new stories, new friends (shoutout to those lovely #6amAusWriters). While my writing is mostly solidary, I discovered the community beyond my computer is amazing once I let them into my world. Writers at all stages share a common bond – the ability to listen, nod, smile and say “Yes, I know all about that.” The comfort in these words has been the difference between giving up and marching myself back to the chair for the next writing session. 
 
Body awareness 
 
‘What am I doing right now?’ Bea’s mentor asks this question to improve her awareness of present moment experiences. She finds the question on Post-It notes all over her house. When I began creating my story, it was easy to fall into the world of my characters. I could become so absorbed in my writing that time disappeared. When I get a good idea, I want to chase it down as fast as my fingers can keep up. But, living with chronic pain means I can’t sit for too long at the computer. Also, I will admit it, I can get caught up in the writerly world on Twitter. It may be a procrastination, a distraction, sometimes I can even convince myself it’s scholarly research. But, too long crouched over the phone is also a sure-fire recipe for pain. Then there is getting lost within the pages of a book. Reading has always been a joy for me. Since starting my novel, I have become extra voracious in my reading (it’s research!) Lost in literary worlds, I can sit awkwardly but, like neglected playdough, I am quick to stiffen. Mindful body awareness has helped me become a more productive writer (and reader and consumer of social media). I use a timer and Post-It notes - little reminders to stop and take a break. Like Bea, these reminders help enable me to call myself back to the present. Writing and reading mindfully, in short bursts, allows me to show up again the next day.  
 
Without judgment
 
When Bea learns mindfulness, she is intrigued by the ‘without judgement’ part of the definition. She knows this won’t be easy because she is a person (like me) who has battled for years with self-doubt and a confidence built on her volatile perception of what others might think. She is an expert at critically judging herself. Mindfulness allows me to leave judgement to the reader with an element of interpretation. This has also given me the freedom to share my work. After all, Andy Warhol said...

 “Don’t think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if it’s good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art.”

The thief of joy
 
Bea learns mindfulness from a Buddhist who has been meditating for years and seems he has it all together, a guru. When she compares herself to him, she comes up drastically short. But we can't be instant experts. Recently on The First Time Podcast, author Leanne Halls gave advice to ‘take your time and not compare’. There is a perilously thin line between learning from others in the writing community and toppling down a rabbit hole of self-doubt and comparison. I have been known to selfishly wallow observing author launch parties, people winning competitions, lucky ducks securing representation and here is me, the newbie, all alone at her computer. Mindfulness has helped me shift away from comparison and towards equanimity. Sometimes I sit back, breathe, and acknowledge that ‘this is how it is.’ But, I also add two powerful words to complete this sentence, ‘right now.’ I can daydream about publication, but I am not there (yet), I am right here, in this moment. I need to be okay with that. I may not compare all the time btu I certainly am going to book into that next writer’s course, read that next writers craft book on or listen to another author interview podcast!
 
Flipping failure
 
I was very pleased to learn failure in mindfulness is a success. When Bea talks to her mentor after months of practice, she is worried she’s failing. But the gentle act of noticing is progress. When I did a whole eight-week course, the most common recognition from all participants was how much we failed and what that meant – nothing. Failing just meant we were busy, we were beginners, but we were noticing. Getting comfortable with failure in mindfulness was great practise for me as a writer. Beginning to write my novel has involved fear, disappointment and rejection. I know all about the slush pile and the statistics on how rare it can be to make it through to publication. Rejections have come quick and fast, but I will keep at it. If you are reading this article, it is because I have used mindfulness to help become accustomed to all the rejection letters that came before. 
 
Bea’s invitation to you
 
Years ago, when I sat to try my first meditation, I had no idea it would change my life. Mindfulness enabled me to live well with my chronic pain. Then mindfulness made another big change in my life. In writing Bea and in continuing my practice, I feel comfortable showing up, each day, pursuing my dream job – writing mindfully.  
 
As I said, Bea is a people pleaser, so, of course, she wants to help you too! How about you go for a walk and sit in the park and ‘just be’ for a few minutes? Drop into your senses observe, feel, listen. But don’t forget your phone/journal so you can incorporate it into your writing.  
 
Why not give it a try? 
·               Easy to start with guided meditation apps such as Calm, Headspace and Insight Timer.
·               Open Ground – delivering MBSR courses Australia-wide
·               Buddhism for mothers (okay, so not strictly mindfulness but it was this beautifully written book that was at the forefront of my journey into mindfulness practice)
·               Interview with Jon Kabat-Zinn