Two helpful insights from my silent retreat experience

 

A few weeks ago, I participated in my first ever 7-day silent retreat. It was an extraordinary journey of self-discovery. The space and time and freedom from daily commitments allowed me to lean into some challenging thoughts I had been actively pushing hard against (resisting!), reconnect with spaces from deep within my past and to release long-help beliefs that no longer serve (such as the relentless pursuit of achievement), and also loads of aching for my loved ones at home. 

 

Non-identifying

‘sadness is here’

‘fear is hear’

‘overwhelm is here’

 

This is the technique of non-identifying with thoughts and experiences. When strong emotions are present, I may have told myself, “I am sad, I am scared, I am overwhelmed.” I had believed these phrases brought enough space between me (who I am as a person) and the feelings. I had already understood this to be a step up from thoughts from my past of this was a step up from previous thoughts of “I am a sad person…etc.”). On this retreat I was supported to identify how these thoughts can feel intensely real, often provoking a visceral response (churning stomach, frowning, headache). Sitting with these feelings for longer periods enabled me to eventually experience their impermanent nature. These are just feelings being experienced in the moment. Just a part of the ever-changing, always growing person I am. They do not solely define me. Knowing this offered a sense of relief, a little bit of hope, and even comfort. I am also more aware how these feelings can relate to past causes, conditions and experiences and the heaviness of past hurts and memories arising. Blending stories into my present moment experience can intensify the emotion. As I work to deepen my practice, I can feel myself become more attuned to identify these feelings, to take that step back and recognise them for what they are. I do not need to get carried away by them, I can just gently look beyond these feelings with some helpful guiding questions. 

‘What else is here right now?’ 

‘Can I experience this and not suffer?’ 

These questions helped me to uncover a sense that my suffering originated from wanting the situation to be different to what it is. For example, I noticed feeling fidgety in longer meditation sits. I began asking myself ‘can I feel restless without suffering?’ Yes, slowly I came to figure out how. I let go of the desire to be constantly still (a preconceived idea of “master meditator”) and listened to my body. I gave myself permission to move and find a sense of ease, relief. I let go of the struggle and accepted how I was feeling. I even opened my eyes and spent spacious and empowering moments noticing what else was also breathing around me. 

In discovering this, I also thought of my children. Oftentimes they can have low moments, when emotions are high. They might say they are sad, angry, feel like they don’t belong. Of course, I want to jump straight in and take away their suffering. But in that moment, just like me, they need to know (and I need to remember), this is a passing feeling, just a part of them. It does not define them. It is not their identify. Railing against their reality is only going to initiate my own threat system (argh, stress is here!) and perhaps intensify theirs. And it also gave me insight that what comes out of their mouth in the heat of the moment, is not to be taken personally. (Perhaps also another interesting reminder also for when my own critical mind is screaming to be heard. 

To think in terms of either pessimism or optimism 

oversimplifies the truth. 

The problem is to see reality as it is.

-Thích Nhất Hạnh

 

Getting familiar with the familiar

Did you know, on average people have 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts a day? And many of them we have had before. Many are filtered through our strong prehistoric protective negativity bias. Some thoughts sound like a broken record, repeating again and again. On retreat, in silence, I had an opportunity to notice some of these. I brought a playfulness to it giving some of my thoughts names and identities. Meet the gang:

Perfect Prue. This is the voice of my inner critic. She’s a real bitch with her icy, nasty comments about how I am inferior, don’t belong, not good enough. You get the idea. She sneaks into my mind unannounced, sets up camp, constantly poking with her hurtful barbs. 

Planning Patricia. She pops up with a notepad, pen poised to get things in order for possible future events. Often, I was sitting in meditation and planning what I would do once it had ended, or how I might guide a meditation in a possible future course, or what I might say on the oft chance I meet some famous wisdom guru. Patricia’s voice was the one that was loudest. And I realised this makes sense. Maybe she originated to counterbalance the uncertainty that pain can bring (desperately clinging to an element of control when things feel ferociously disorderly. She’s is trying to protect me from the unknown. To be prepared! On retreat, her voice would quieten if I actually gave myself space and time to rest, to feel, to listen. All the buzzing activity of day-to-day life has enabled this planning mind to become overactive. 

Playful Petuna. Well, this one I liked a lot. She was the whimsical one who liked to create mischief and remind me not to take the world too seriously. Her suggestions are the ones that might break with convention or allow me to step out of the shackles of worrying what people might think. She likes to get all Richard Branson and has the catch cry, “screw it, just do it”. 

Soothing Suzy. She’s quite a reluctant voice (maybe because of frequently being ignored or dismissed) but, on retreat, she found her voice. She would encourage me to place a hand over my heart. She suggested opting for self care and for being over doing. She has helped me calm Patricia and Prue with kindness. 

And I am sure there are many other common voices that I have not yet discovered. Getting to know some of these common thoughts also helped to bring a bit of non-identifying as well. I am not Patricia, or Prue or Petunia or Suzy. These are just parts of me, arising and passing away, always changing. Getting to know them, allowing them to be here has helped me soften towards them and maybe, just maybe, these voiced don’t need to shout so loud anymore. I don’t need to latch on and jump to their every command. When I chose to arrive, home, here, now, there’s room for all. 

 

“The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in. – Rumi

Dear Achievement - We need to break up.

Dear Achievement,

We need to break up. 

 

I have spent much of my life chasing you, believing you to be the object of my desire. 

I was wrong. 

 

You are fools gold. 

 

And here’s why…

 

Motivation. I am often rushing to get things done, pushing myself beyond my limits to reach goals, over-extending and striving, straining for achievement. I am ashamed to admit it this next part. I am ashamed because it has taken me such a long time to figure this out – to see you for what you truly are. But, mostly, I am ashamed because I know that there is a large chunk of the self/ego lurking behind my motivation and desire for you. I want to appear “successful” to others. As a fifth child, adorned with praise and love, and as a Leo, I thrive on praise. A tiny thrill rushes through me when people tell me I am doing well or shake their head in amazement at one of my achievements. It’s a hit of dopamine, and it’s addictive. I really do love hearing the praise, even though, sometimes I am embarrassed and weirdly, my inner critic loves to choose such moments to pipe in with her caustic comments berating me that it is still not enough. Attaining this praise is probably what has kept me chasing you all this time. It is what motivates me to set the bar high, higher, and, screw it, why not set it even higher. It is what allows me to ignore all this reasons calling me to self compassion, to be still, to accept where I am, and to be happy with what I already have. 

 

Fear of abandonment. I recognise too (again, shamefully) that, at times my self-esteem is linked to my sense of achievement. And this is wrong. It hurts me, and I have had enough. As I get older, and as I continue to have a turbulent relationship with the management and acceptance of my chronic pain, I am often disappointed by my achievement. I don’t reach the lofty heights I aspire to, and I have failed to learn the lessons and adapt. 

“Researchers have discovered that achievement-dependant self-esteem makes us vulnerable to feelings of inadequacy and failure when things don’t unfold as expected” – (A fearless Heart – Why compassion is the key to greater wellbeing by Thupten Jinpa). 

Not only is my self-esteem tied to you but also my fear. What happens when I don’t achieve, when I don’t come first, fastest, best? I worry about the reaction of my closest friends and family. Irrational worry because I know, deep down, they love me, unconditionally because of my strengths and not because of my achievements. But still, the doubt and the fear niggle and force me to keep pushing. To keep getting tricked by your shimmer. 

 

Comparision. I have written before on how damaging comparison can be but it will often be lurking somewhere in my desire for achievement. All I tend to see are the people in front of me. I see what they have done, where they are going, and then I judge myself to be wanting, inadequate, barely lovable in my inadequacies. What I fail to see is the humanness in us all, the fact we all want to be free from suffering and happy and healthy in life. Sometimes the glossy Insta post is just a single snapshot in time. Comparing can be dangerous when we compare our worst self to someone else’s best self (their social media portrayal!). I do not need to enter into a dark dance with achievement for comparisons sake. 

 

Fake Fake Fake Fake. Classic line from Seinfeld and I still fall for fake hopes and false notions. Achievement, you have so many times, seen me grasping to an idea, a desire, a future that is not here. Buddhism says this is one of the key causes of suffering….and my experience affirms this. Achievement is often the cause of this desire. I want to achieve X and I won’t be happy until that happens. Often, pain and other life stressors mean achievement X cannot happen…so where does that leave my happiness? If I assign a condition to my happiness that cannot be achieved, what then? I do not need to be restricting myself in this way. By letting go of achievement, I let go of my attachment to results and can experience joy, awe and happiness, in this moment. 

 

This list may even seem like reasons to stay with you. To continue. But your toxic hold is why we need to break up. I am motivated by narcissistic (yet sometimes tantalising) reasons, the love of those important to me is not conditional on me continually pandering to you. My mindfulness practice is strengthening my ability to be equanimous. I can be present in this moment, as I am and that is fine. No need to search for better than or worse than, just me, here, now. 

 

Achievement, you are like the tinder profile with the fake photo. Your promises are empty and shallow. You focus my attention on things I cannot control, and this only leads to my hurt, shame and can be damaging to my self-worth. 

So, it is time. Time to say goodbye. 

Impatience

One thing mindfulness has shown me is that I can be impatient (*wincing and backing away*). Actually, I have been told by many people that one of my best qualities is my enthusiasm. But I have also been told that I can rush things. There's a fine line and I often push it!

Looking back, I realise impatience often sabotaged my pain management efforts. I was chasing a quick fix and my goal was always "no pain". I was often told to try this technique, this exercise and when I did (once or twice) and the pain persisted, I got impatient and gave up. It took me a very long time to realise this impatient approach and these unrealistic goals, were not serving me. 

Last year, I wrote the first draft of the novel I have always wanted to write! Yay! Now all I can think about is the next level. Editing, polishing, more writing, writing courses, pitching, and the big one... getting it published. I can waste hours imagining and fantasising about what that would be like, to see my book on a bookshelf. I am impatient to get there but need to focus on the small steps of progress. 

Even writing this, I realise I am impatient. I have taken a break from blogging for the past month or so. Towards the end of last year, I was doing some consistent weeks of Wednesday blogging. It is what I have always aimed for because I know blogs require consistency dedication but most of all…persistence. I am struggling to get back into this routine and I feel annoyed at myself and I am wishing things to be other than they are. There is a tightness in my chest, a slightly sour taste in my mouth.  I float off to where I want to be. And forget where I am. I'm impatient to get to that far off place. Now. Without the effort or the challenges. Buddhists sometimes call this attachment or craving and believe it to be one of the causes of suffering. 

 

This is normally the part in the blogpost where I say this is what to do to magically address the problem. But this time, I don’t really know. I have only recently become aware that I am feeling impatient – and, for now, that’s enough of a step for me. I can just notice without judgement. I can also acknowledge that sometimes, being impatient is understandable, human nature really. We all want it now, bigger, larger, brighter. 

 

Another thing that can help is to begin or expand on a gratitude practice. Rather than getting in an impatient flap focusing on where I want to be, I can just look around and appreciate where I am. Looking for the little things, the progress already made, the family, friends, experiences. 

A good friend of mine and I often randomly share gratitude photos. Our dogs, our homes, our cooking exploits! Just that little moment can be enough to bring it back into the present moment experience. 

Lastly, one thing I have turned towards, especially last year when lockdowns forced us all to be more patient, was to do an activity that deliberately requires patience. Sourdough. Can't beat it! Can't rush it! But has to be eaten and savoured - yum!

 

So, if you have some ideas, please feel free to share. How do you deal with impatience?