You know that feeling you get when you are doing a jigsaw puzzle? At the start, it’s overwhelming. You look from the complete picture on the box’s cover to the 100s, 1000s of jumbled pieces and it looks impossible. But then you follow the process. Find the edges and corners, some distinctive pieces and slowly it comes together. Then more pieces are in place, suddenly you think “hang on, this is starting to look like something.” You see some fully formed parts. The number of unmatched pieces is decreasing. Then you get the smug realisation and joyful feeling - “Hey, I’m getting it, I’m so close!” Often, there is just a single piece that, once found, makes everything else just fall into place. Complete, whole, a masterpiece.
The first corner I found in my jigsaw was when I attended the pain management course in 2009. I learnt there are common reactions and thoughts around pain. I became aware of my thoughts. I was not yet able to change them, but I took notice. My thoughts were pretty similar to everyone else’s. They were thoughts like this:
· I can’t handle this anymore
· Why me?
· I am letting everyone down
They might have started small, innocuous, but they could quickly snowball. Not nice, not helpful and most importantly, these thoughts contributed to and exacerbated my pain.
More edge pieces have since clicked into place:
- We are hard-wired to the negative and we have many of the same negative thoughts on repeat. This came through on my two Breathworks retreats and through attending a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course. I do wonder if knowing about negativity bias has, in some respects, given me permission to have these thoughts and kept me in the caustic hold of their repetitive loop.
- Being mindful works! Gaining knowledge is one thing; doing something about it is different. Any time I put effort into regular mindfulness practice, I would see the benefits in my daily life – reduction in stress, more present moment joyful experiences and better management of my pain.
Then, in the past few days I have been on the edge of that exhilarating feeling - finding the crucial last pieces.
These big ah-ha moments have come in two parts:
PUNISH, REPEAT
This week, I was listening to a podcast by Mike Robbins where he explains a process for dealing with emotions… 1. Recognise, 2. Acknowledge, 3. Forgive, 4. Change. It doesn’t make for an easy to remember acronym, but he went on to explain that he was okay with the first two steps, but then he would 3. Punish and 4. Repeat. Oof. Dagger to the heart. This is what I do. Often. Why? I beat myself up with criticism such as “I should know better”, “why am I here again in this hole?”, “You idiot.” I have some work to do. I must go beyond just recognising this pattern, to not just build up the self love, self compassion and other mindful tools to help with this process because awareness has not yet stopped it from happening.
DUPE THE LOOP
Ruminating on the “4. Repeat” part of this equation, I started listening to another podcast. It could not have come at a more opportune time. It was a quick one, full of nuggets from Joe Dispenza. Listening, I felt a zap of energy – time may have even stood still for a moment. Hang on, did I just hear that missing piece?
I have identified I am in this looping cycle of negativity. Despite knowing about it, the cycle continues preventing me from reaching those final steps 3 and 4 (forgiveness and change). These thoughts are negative, repetitive and – they are a program. A program looping throughout my long history living with pain (and we are talking 30+ years!). It runs automatically. It is the default. In fact, my brain thinks it is being helpful. Let’s run her program, put her auto-pilot. It’s the path of least resistance, so let’s run it again. And again and again.
The program has been running successfully. Look, there she is, back in her bed. Ugly-crying and wishing things were different. Again. Back in familiar territory. She’s safe there in her cocoon of shame. That’s cool. The brain celebrates the win. Repeat.
Each time I find more pieces of the puzzle, figure something out or try something new, notice my thoughts, maybe make new choices, my brain thinks “Hang on a minute. This ain’t the program. Abort. Stop her, this isn’t scripted! Danger, abort! So in comes doubt to knock me over. Fear joins in. Then, in comes the kicker – pain, my old friend! Result: It’s all too hard, I give up. Negative thoughts run through the program – I can’t handle this, I am letting everyone down, why me!?… Welcome home. Full circle. Back into the cocoon I go.
So, my current conundrum is how to stop the program. Surely it is based in the awareness, mindfulness, compassion – I know these tools. I can use these tools. And now, I have a much clearer understanding of the process. It’s time for me to dupe the loop!
I have another tool too, something recently grabbed from ‘Mindfulness on the Run: Quick, effective mindfulness techniques for busy people’ by Chantal Hofstee. When elements of the default program prop up, I plan to notice. I will respectfully acknowledge and say to myself: “Hello fear, Hello doubt. You are here. It makes sense that you are here because I am changing the default program that you have been running my whole life. Don’t worry, I’m running a new program now. That will feel hard for you at first but it’s okay, I can handle this.”
Do you know what your default program is? How long has it been running? Can you notice it? Change it?
