Temporarily Unavailble

This week I had a big pain flare and was feeling crappy. Well, understatement, I was a crying mess of self-pity and gloom. I was Eeyore with the raincloud over me soaking me in darkness. 

But I made a smart choice, I reached out to my friend. After some sobbing and some laughing and a bit of dissecting, she helped me gain an invaluable insight. Somehow, we got on to talking about Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages and I realised my default love offering is ‘acts of service’. Cooking a meal, offering to help with a task, taking the kids where they want to go. This is my way of showing I love them. This is how love was demonstrated to me as a young child. My mum had 5 active kids and as adults with children of our own, we often reflect in wonder at how she did it. But she ran us all around the suburbs to our various events, cooked for us, cleaned up after us and loved us all equally and fiercely. She gave and served and gave and served.

 

What I realised this week, exhausted and struggling with the weight of my pain, was that when I have a pain flare, I am limited in my ability to show love using my preferred method. 'Acts of service' become harder. Sometimes I do them anyway. Not a good option because it often results is overdoing it (more pain) or I collapse in a heap half way through an act of service leaving my mess for others to deal with (imagine coming home to a kitchen covered in dishes and me passed out in bed - yeah, love you!). But also, continuing to provide acts of service when I am sore ignores the pain and what my body needs. I probably need a break, a rest or some exercise or meditation. So, what I actually need to do is give myself some 'acts of service'. Or another of the love languages - like quality time or maybe even some words of affirmation ('you are strong and handling this well, it’s okay to take a break'). 

 

When this insight came, I realised – I can still show love, but just in other ways. Firstly, I can just use one of the other love languages that don’t require physical effort from me – maybe a handwritten short note, simply saying thank you, a hug or a touch of the hand. It’s that simple - just choose another love language. Secondly, I can start to talk to my family and friends about these languages and, in doing so, explain that ‘acts of service’ is temporarily unavailable from the menu of love I can give right now. I even made a sign to this effect. 

Another great thing about having 'Love Language' conversations is that it makes it acceptable to also ask for what you need. I have written before about asking for help. One of the best ways to ask for help is to be specific. Maybe that means saying something like, “Right now, my pain is bad, I need you to love me in this way.” Perhaps I need an act of service ("Can you cook dinner tonight please?') or maybe I need some words of affection or I need quality time/touch ('Give me a cuddle!' or 'I need you to come and jump in this warm bed and watch this soppy Netflix show!'). 

Recently I heard a great quote from Karamo – when times are tough, he says to loved ones “I need you to love me a little louder today” – love it!

 

Impatience

One thing mindfulness has shown me is that I can be impatient (*wincing and backing away*). Actually, I have been told by many people that one of my best qualities is my enthusiasm. But I have also been told that I can rush things. There's a fine line and I often push it!

Looking back, I realise impatience often sabotaged my pain management efforts. I was chasing a quick fix and my goal was always "no pain". I was often told to try this technique, this exercise and when I did (once or twice) and the pain persisted, I got impatient and gave up. It took me a very long time to realise this impatient approach and these unrealistic goals, were not serving me. 

Last year, I wrote the first draft of the novel I have always wanted to write! Yay! Now all I can think about is the next level. Editing, polishing, more writing, writing courses, pitching, and the big one... getting it published. I can waste hours imagining and fantasising about what that would be like, to see my book on a bookshelf. I am impatient to get there but need to focus on the small steps of progress. 

Even writing this, I realise I am impatient. I have taken a break from blogging for the past month or so. Towards the end of last year, I was doing some consistent weeks of Wednesday blogging. It is what I have always aimed for because I know blogs require consistency dedication but most of all…persistence. I am struggling to get back into this routine and I feel annoyed at myself and I am wishing things to be other than they are. There is a tightness in my chest, a slightly sour taste in my mouth.  I float off to where I want to be. And forget where I am. I'm impatient to get to that far off place. Now. Without the effort or the challenges. Buddhists sometimes call this attachment or craving and believe it to be one of the causes of suffering. 

 

This is normally the part in the blogpost where I say this is what to do to magically address the problem. But this time, I don’t really know. I have only recently become aware that I am feeling impatient – and, for now, that’s enough of a step for me. I can just notice without judgement. I can also acknowledge that sometimes, being impatient is understandable, human nature really. We all want it now, bigger, larger, brighter. 

 

Another thing that can help is to begin or expand on a gratitude practice. Rather than getting in an impatient flap focusing on where I want to be, I can just look around and appreciate where I am. Looking for the little things, the progress already made, the family, friends, experiences. 

A good friend of mine and I often randomly share gratitude photos. Our dogs, our homes, our cooking exploits! Just that little moment can be enough to bring it back into the present moment experience. 

Lastly, one thing I have turned towards, especially last year when lockdowns forced us all to be more patient, was to do an activity that deliberately requires patience. Sourdough. Can't beat it! Can't rush it! But has to be eaten and savoured - yum!

 

So, if you have some ideas, please feel free to share. How do you deal with impatience?