Dear Achievement,
We need to break up.
I have spent much of my life chasing you, believing you to be the object of my desire.
I was wrong.
You are fools gold.
And here’s why…
Motivation. I am often rushing to get things done, pushing myself beyond my limits to reach goals, over-extending and striving, straining for achievement. I am ashamed to admit it this next part. I am ashamed because it has taken me such a long time to figure this out – to see you for what you truly are. But, mostly, I am ashamed because I know that there is a large chunk of the self/ego lurking behind my motivation and desire for you. I want to appear “successful” to others. As a fifth child, adorned with praise and love, and as a Leo, I thrive on praise. A tiny thrill rushes through me when people tell me I am doing well or shake their head in amazement at one of my achievements. It’s a hit of dopamine, and it’s addictive. I really do love hearing the praise, even though, sometimes I am embarrassed and weirdly, my inner critic loves to choose such moments to pipe in with her caustic comments berating me that it is still not enough. Attaining this praise is probably what has kept me chasing you all this time. It is what motivates me to set the bar high, higher, and, screw it, why not set it even higher. It is what allows me to ignore all this reasons calling me to self compassion, to be still, to accept where I am, and to be happy with what I already have.
Fear of abandonment. I recognise too (again, shamefully) that, at times my self-esteem is linked to my sense of achievement. And this is wrong. It hurts me, and I have had enough. As I get older, and as I continue to have a turbulent relationship with the management and acceptance of my chronic pain, I am often disappointed by my achievement. I don’t reach the lofty heights I aspire to, and I have failed to learn the lessons and adapt.
“Researchers have discovered that achievement-dependant self-esteem makes us vulnerable to feelings of inadequacy and failure when things don’t unfold as expected” – (A fearless Heart – Why compassion is the key to greater wellbeing by Thupten Jinpa).
Not only is my self-esteem tied to you but also my fear. What happens when I don’t achieve, when I don’t come first, fastest, best? I worry about the reaction of my closest friends and family. Irrational worry because I know, deep down, they love me, unconditionally because of my strengths and not because of my achievements. But still, the doubt and the fear niggle and force me to keep pushing. To keep getting tricked by your shimmer.
Comparision. I have written before on how damaging comparison can be but it will often be lurking somewhere in my desire for achievement. All I tend to see are the people in front of me. I see what they have done, where they are going, and then I judge myself to be wanting, inadequate, barely lovable in my inadequacies. What I fail to see is the humanness in us all, the fact we all want to be free from suffering and happy and healthy in life. Sometimes the glossy Insta post is just a single snapshot in time. Comparing can be dangerous when we compare our worst self to someone else’s best self (their social media portrayal!). I do not need to enter into a dark dance with achievement for comparisons sake.
Fake Fake Fake Fake. Classic line from Seinfeld and I still fall for fake hopes and false notions. Achievement, you have so many times, seen me grasping to an idea, a desire, a future that is not here. Buddhism says this is one of the key causes of suffering….and my experience affirms this. Achievement is often the cause of this desire. I want to achieve X and I won’t be happy until that happens. Often, pain and other life stressors mean achievement X cannot happen…so where does that leave my happiness? If I assign a condition to my happiness that cannot be achieved, what then? I do not need to be restricting myself in this way. By letting go of achievement, I let go of my attachment to results and can experience joy, awe and happiness, in this moment.
This list may even seem like reasons to stay with you. To continue. But your toxic hold is why we need to break up. I am motivated by narcissistic (yet sometimes tantalising) reasons, the love of those important to me is not conditional on me continually pandering to you. My mindfulness practice is strengthening my ability to be equanimous. I can be present in this moment, as I am and that is fine. No need to search for better than or worse than, just me, here, now.
Achievement, you are like the tinder profile with the fake photo. Your promises are empty and shallow. You focus my attention on things I cannot control, and this only leads to my hurt, shame and can be damaging to my self-worth.
So, it is time. Time to say goodbye.