Overwhelm. I feel it often. I feel it hard.
I have written about it before here. But, it wasn’t until I recently read a passage from Sarah Wilson's book “First, We Make the Beast Beautiful” that I began to wonder if this experience was actually something else. Anxiety.
“When I’m anxious all my rushing, competing, frenzied thoughts are either a) plans or b) contingencies for what could happen. This me, as I currently am, is not good enough. A good life and the “right” me and the answers I seek are ahead in the future ….and I rush like buggery to get there.”
I call her Planning Patricia. You may recall I got to know her better on my recent silent retreat. She can really get me moving or more accurately, she gets me rushing and frenzied. Oh yes, that’s Patricia alright. She races to plug up every uncertain hole, cater for every possibility Be sure, be certain. But she desperately tries to do this in an ever-changing, unpredictable and messy life (in the full catastrophe as Jon Kabat Zinn calls it!). In this surge, it doesn’t take long before Patricia becomes overactive. She is making lists of lists, she’s cruelly demanding, come on you lazy slug, move it, there is SO much to do. There is a stabbing urgency (mostly self-imposed) forcing me to strive and prove and push myself. Any pain early warning signs were ignored and rammed down, I must keep going – there’s all this stuff that MUST be done. I must do more, be more, be better – in a relentless drive to prove I can (even when my body is now screaming to stop and that it bloody well can not!).
When I am able to observe what is happening, honestly there is an “icky-ness” and unease that arises. My values are being threatened, hijacked. Patience, kindness, awareness and love. The non-stop tasks suffocate these out from me. I don’t know where to begin, so often I get to the point of overwhelm. I freeze and procrastinate or I crash and cry. But when I read that quote above, I felt the need to explore a little deeper. I started by looking back a step. What is Patricia planning and why?? Is she seeking control, certainty? What is she trying to prove, to achieve?
Let me explain with a recent experience. I went for a job. It sounded interesting but there was some lingering doubt. I got an interview then offered the job. I baulked. I fretted. I wrote up a list of pros and cons. This new opportunity would definitely expand my skills, as it was in a field I had not worked in before. But I stopped and asked myself – why? Why do I need to do this? Why do I feel like I still need to be better, more, fixed, larger? Despite all the work I have been doing recently building self-awareness, self-love and I was surprised to realise it came back to this same thing. Boom, straight to this familiar space, a familiar old program loop.
“I am not good enough.” The quiet voice said. I still think this, deep down.
So maybe that’s anxiety.
Maybe that is stress.
Either way – the more important question is - what do I do when I get in one of these states?
Right here, right now. Planning flings me into future based thought so I need to get mindful, connect with the present moment. Here. Now. Accept my current state. She might be a bit weather-beaten but she is not broken, she is enough. Another few helpful ways I have found to snap myself back into the present are walking in nature, playing with my essential oils, having a bath, formal meditation.
Dropping “and then…” Often, when Patricia is doing her gung-ho thing, I am on auto-pilot, oblivious to my present moment actions because I am so caught up planning the next thing. And the next thing. And the next thing. So, here is a recent hack that I have figured out to disrupt this process. I drop the additional thought of “and then...” I just decide on the next best thing and do it, and be aware I am doing it. As opposed to continuing to plan what will happen next, and then next. Simply dropping “and then…” is enough to give pause, and be aware of my experience. Don’t worry what I will do next, just be with the current activity.
Let it go. So easy to say, so hard to do. In the past, when things get frazzled, I would often ask for help. Change my plans, adapt. But reflecting on it, this is just still Patricia trying to plan her way out of the pain. She is frantically rearranging the plans so I can still attempt to do it all. Handball a few jobs, rest for a bit but I always come back to the list. So, when I am feeling this way, I need to tell Patricia to sit down and shut the hell up. Let it go. Trust it will be okay. Allow and let it be.
In writing this blogpost, I became interested to know if there is a link between chronic pain and anxiety. It would make sense because if we can’t control pain then there’s a good chance we try to control everything else, right?
– And it only took a quick bit of googling to find that yes, anxiety (and depression which often occurs at the opposite end of the spectrum) frequently co-exist with pain.
https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/the-pain-anxiety-depression-connection
https://www.apmaugusta.com/blog/anxiety-in-relation-to-chronic-pain
What are your thoughts?
I think there's definitely a link between pain and anxiety. I see it as a revving up of the nervous system & brain activity. I feel my insides growing, getting hot, there's swelling which amounts to pressure.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of Planning Patricia, kind of like my marionette. It's important to try and remove oneself from the issue or create space between ourselves and the issue. 'It's their fault'!!