Asking for and offering help

Self managing chronic pain requires you to get comfortable with asking for help. Why? Because it is just not easy to do. It requires self discipline, a strong mindset and consistency. It's a 24/7 job and it can get tiring, frustrating and overwhelming  But the good news is that while you are the main one in the driver’s seat with regards to figuring out what works best for you and then (the main part) driving yourself down that road, you can still have a wingman in there along for the ride (or 2,3,4...). There can be such value in building a supportive team around you. This can help in so many ways. Sometimes you need the traditional form of help - getting some to do something you cannot because of pain. But you also need need someone to talk to when things are getting hard and someone to call on when you need extra motivation. On this journey, my friends and family have been great support. 

A support person can only be effective though, when they know what to do. They need to know how you are feeling ( the actual truth!) and they also need to know how they can help.  When you are having a bad pain day or in a flare up, get your team to help you enact your plan. I have a list of the things that work for me to reduce my pain...or to turn down my pain dial.  I have a very clear and definite plan. My loved ones know about it and therefore they can support me through these difficult times by suggesting the right techniques (i.e. not suggesting I go for a lie down or feel sorry for me). Often my little ones will pipe up with “Mum, you need to go and meditate!” 

Getting to this point required a bit of work.  I needed to get more comfortable with telling the truth and with asking for help. In the past, before I had reached a point of acceptance, I found it difficult to talk about my pain (without tears) and to ask for help. Admitting to the pain felt like a weakness. Admitting I need help made me feel helpless, like I couldn't cope, that I was failing. Often I was battling my own self loathing, guilt and shame. I blamed myself for my pain - I felt my own poor decisions had gotten me into a flare up therefore I need to deal with it (read- suffer the consequences). That is not something you readily share!

A few things helped me turn this thinking around. Firstly, after many conversations with friends and family I realised, they want to help. No one likes seeing someone they love in pain or suffering in any way. They would move mountains to take that pain away. So, many times, they wanted to help but didn't know how or would be repeatedly rebuffed by me. 

"Can I help?" 

"No, I'm fine."

They were genuine requests but I shrugged them off, trying to be tough, strong, prove (to whom?) I could do it myself. I came to realise that there are people in my life that I love. With them, I can be honest and ask for help and I know they will do anything for me because that is what friendship is. And when the time comes, I will be there for them too. 

Secondly, I realise that asking for help was not weakness but a demonstration of strength. Understanding vulnerability (read anything by Brene Brown to help with this!) and mindfulness has helped. Asking for help just means, that, in this moment, pain has made things in your life challenging and to make things easier and to ensure you get through this little period without making things worse (overdoing it, pushing through, ignoring that you are beyond stretched) you ask for something. It might be a meal, taking kids to give you a break, asking someone in the house to do a chore that you normally do. Anything. But if it can lessen your load, in that moment of pain, it's worth it. 

A few tips - asking for and offering help:

Be specific. Recently a friend told me a good way to help is to be specific. Let's go back to those standard lines."Can I help?", "No I'm fine". If you can be very clear around the kind of help you need or are offering, it is easier to accept. e.g. Can you please mind the kids for a few hours so I can go to the warm water pool? Would you like me to cook a meal and bring it over tonight so you can have a night off?

Communicate. During our pain management course we had a family day. It was an opportunity to share with our loved ones some of the things we had learned but also to get some things out in the open. I was able to honestly explain how I felt, explain what I needed. But it was equally important to hear from my loved ones about how my pain made them feel. When pain overwhelms us it is very difficult to see much beyond the sensations. So I ended up gaining some amazing insights into how my pain affected them. These discussions led to some real turning points. 

Listen. Ask for the help of a good ear! A friend or even someone you pay to listen to you but it can be very cathartic to off load some of your problems and challenges. You don’t need the listener to fire back solutions to you. Often the process of telling your story might begin to highlight your own solutions. I was seeing a phsychologist for a while. She was a great listener. So much so that I felt the need to fill all the pauses. I would talk. I would stop talking she would look at me calmly and I felt I should just keep talking, Sometimes, these pauses and silences gave me a chance to realise the stupidity of my own statements and I would sit and have an 'ah-ha' moment while see sat and gave a knowing smile! She would gentle ask questions, clarify a statements I made. She never gave a direction or made suggestions. She would just gentle promtpt and the questions she asked me often led me to my own revelation or solution. She challenged my reasoning and thought processes. 

So, let's get comfortable with asking for help when we need it. Let's all acknowledge that asking for help is a sign of strength. The help is there, our loved ones are waiting to be asked!