This week I had a big pain flare and was feeling crappy. Well, understatement, I was a crying mess of self-pity and gloom. I was Eeyore with the raincloud over me soaking me in darkness.
But I made a smart choice, I reached out to my friend. After some sobbing and some laughing and a bit of dissecting, she helped me gain an invaluable insight. Somehow, we got on to talking about Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages and I realised my default love offering is ‘acts of service’. Cooking a meal, offering to help with a task, taking the kids where they want to go. This is my way of showing I love them. This is how love was demonstrated to me as a young child. My mum had 5 active kids and as adults with children of our own, we often reflect in wonder at how she did it. But she ran us all around the suburbs to our various events, cooked for us, cleaned up after us and loved us all equally and fiercely. She gave and served and gave and served.
What I realised this week, exhausted and struggling with the weight of my pain, was that when I have a pain flare, I am limited in my ability to show love using my preferred method. 'Acts of service' become harder. Sometimes I do them anyway. Not a good option because it often results is overdoing it (more pain) or I collapse in a heap half way through an act of service leaving my mess for others to deal with (imagine coming home to a kitchen covered in dishes and me passed out in bed - yeah, love you!). But also, continuing to provide acts of service when I am sore ignores the pain and what my body needs. I probably need a break, a rest or some exercise or meditation. So, what I actually need to do is give myself some 'acts of service'. Or another of the love languages - like quality time or maybe even some words of affirmation ('you are strong and handling this well, it’s okay to take a break').
Another great thing about having 'Love Language' conversations is that it makes it acceptable to also ask for what you need. I have written before about asking for help. One of the best ways to ask for help is to be specific. Maybe that means saying something like, “Right now, my pain is bad, I need you to love me in this way.” Perhaps I need an act of service ("Can you cook dinner tonight please?') or maybe I need some words of affection or I need quality time/touch ('Give me a cuddle!' or 'I need you to come and jump in this warm bed and watch this soppy Netflix show!').
Recently I heard a great quote from Karamo – when times are tough, he says to loved ones “I need you to love me a little louder today” – love it!
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