Just Be - The mindfulness in daily life blog

Getting ready to create - a guided meditation

I have just uploaded a short meditation to my YouTube channel!

The idea came from a Twitter writer friend and it is a short guided breathing space for when you sit down and are getting ready to create.

So, calling all writers, artisits, musicians...whatever your creative pursuit, start by grounding yourself to the present moment and tapping into your creative energy!

I hope you like it!

#WritingCommunity
#MindfulWriting
#GettingReadyToCreate
#Focus
#MindfulnessInDailyLife

Celebrating the small wins

We are hardwired to focus on the negative. It’s a prehistoric adaptation to be on the look out for danger. But this constant negativity is no longer necessary and only reinforces bad habits, unhelpful and unresourceful thoughts and behaviour. It’s like Rick Hanson, psychologist and best-selling author of Hardwiring Happiness says "the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones."

Unless we bring mindful awareness.

My new life coach is encouraging me to celebrate small wins.

So, I am making a list of ways I can celebrate small wins. The little things I might do well, make a strong choice or just, make it through a day. And to be honest, in what seems a never-ending Melbourne lockdown, some days this feels like an achievement worthy of celebrating. Making this list and sticking it up beside my bed means when I a can be more aware of these small wins then I can celebrate them and reinforce that I am doing well, I am worthy, I am making progress, and getting stronger. And just like I have found with gratitude practice, when you are on the lookout for things, you find them. This is a way of noticing what I am doing well, what I am choosing to focus on, and saying to myself, well done, good on you, pat yourself on the back, look at you go girlfriend. And that makes me feel good.

Here is my list!

Note: I made a conscious effort to try and NOT include ones that were focuses on food/drinking/online purchase – three of my lockdown vices that I want to curtail!

· Tell someone. I fear we never want to come across as bragging but we probably all have that close friend or family member who would whoop with delight when we tell them about a small win.

· Buy myself flowers, or another indoor plant (do I need another? - ummm. Yes, of course I do! Remember they purify the air?) and I do love watching as a new plant settles in and starts to spout new leaves.

· Have a bath/spa/massage (when available!!)

· Read a book (or even buy a book...I can easily convince myself that buying books is good for the local economy and has been a go-to lockdown luxury online purchase!!)

· Go for a walk – getting out in nature has so many benefits – and if you don’t believe me, check out this awesome new docu-series on ABC #BackToNatureAU

· Plan our next holiday (we have done this and had them rearranged a few times in the past 2 years!!)

· Put on some gorgeous essential oils – on my body, in the diffuser, in a candle – breath in the love!

· Go out for a nice meal/coffee w family/friends (explore the takeaway options when in lockdown!) ...adding this as this can still be healthy!!!

· Something with music – maybe it’s a little wiggle or shake, maybe belting out a song I enjoy. Here is my most recent fire up fave (Me Too by Meghan Trainor)

Through this process, I have also set an intention to "cut myself a break" and focus on building my self-esteem and speaking more kindly to myself, and a big part of this is honestly evaluating my own significance and achievements. But more on that next time.

How do you celebrate when you do something well?

Writing mindfully

Mindfulness is awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally,” says Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction.

Mindfulness found me when I really needed it.

I ruminated over the past and feared an uncertain future. I did anything to avoid the pain that relentlessly haunted me. I felt out of control – a tiny dingy bobbing on a stormy sea.

For years, I sought magic pills or cure-alls from doctors, clinicians and mystics begging them to permanently remove my pain. I was desperate. When I finally tried mindfulness, I was beginning to accept that pain was a part of my life and one that I had to manage. Mindfulness helped me turn towards my pain - with compassion. It provided me with a useful tool to incorporate into my daily life.

During the Melbourne Covid-19 lockdowns in 2020, sitting beside my remote-learning children, I began writing a novel. I had no idea what I was doing but the words flowed and I rushed to capture them. It seemed natural to have a main character who was learning mindfulness. Write what you know, right?

Writing my main character, Bea, was cathartic. She inadvertently became sprinkled with aspects of my experiences, quirks and challenges. As I wrote my crappy first drafts about Bea, who was learning mindfulness and as I continued my daily mindfulness practice, I slowly became a writer. Here’s how…

Marvelling in wonder

Mindfulness helps Bea become more aware of people, place, and her feelings. Her mentor guides her to concentrate on what she feels, what she sees. He introduces her to the Buddhist concept of ‘Beginner’s Mind’ – encouraging her to imagine she has never seen or felt certain experiences. Imagine you have never tasted a sultana and then you slowly explore the feel and sensations of it in your mouth. Imagine you have never seen an ant. Wouldn’t you marvel at their size and strength and speed? As a writer, I often need these present moment experiences to translate into my story. Describing the feel of a scratchy carpet under a character’s feet, the tangy smell of eucalypts, the slurp of soup from a spoon – you get the picture – and that’s the point, writers need to use words to help their readers transpose themselves into the story. We have all heard the advice, ‘show don’t tell’, and to do this, I turned to my mindfulness practice. In a place or situation, even behind the closed eyes of my imagination, I brought a beginner’s mind to languish in immersive present moment research.

Start again

Over the years, my mindfulness practice has been haphazard at best. But, like a loyal Labrador, my practice is forgiving, welcoming me back to start again the moment I turn my attention towards it. For a long time, my mindfulness mantra has been ‘start again.’ I made sure my protagonist Bea was taught this little gem by her mentor as well. When she starts meditating and notices she is worrying or ruminating, she starts again. In writing, there have been many opportunities for me to start again. New projects, new ideas, even in the middle of writing. When I completed the first draft, I sat back, sipped some prosecco, I was done, right? But I needed to start again – follow new directions, kill some darlings, play Tetris with the structure, and flesh out some grey, lifeless parts of the story. Mindfulness helped me start again - without over-thinking or judgement.

The mindful pause

Bea is great at speaking and acting without thinking. She’s known for her impulsiveness in her family. Foot in mouth? The awkward moment? She excels at these. She often forgets to take the mindful pause to question, ‘Should I say that?’, ‘Should I do that?’ In writing, taking a mindful pause often helped me avoid writing thousands of words in the wrong direction. It helped prevent random Twitter rants that I would have regretted later. It helped me be more targeted, precise, changing a sentence full of verbal diarrhoea into perfect prose (well, not always).

Compassion for others

Mindfulness is very much pivoted towards expanding your perspective, embracing compassion for yourself and others. Bea leaps into the second part with abandon. She is known in her family as Little Miss Fix-It and has always been a helper, a people pleaser. But she finds out sometimes you just need to be there for someone, listen, offer compassion. By pivoting my focus beyond my own work, a door has opened to the writing community, to new stories, new friends (shoutout to those lovely #6amAusWriters). While my writing is mostly solidary, I discovered the community beyond my computer is amazing once I let them into my world. Writers at all stages share a common bond – the ability to listen, nod, smile and say “Yes, I know all about that.” The comfort in these words has been the difference between giving up and marching myself back to the chair for the next writing session.

Body awareness

‘What am I doing right now?’ Bea’s mentor asks this question to improve her awareness of present moment experiences. She finds the question on Post-It notes all over her house. When I began creating my story, it was easy to fall into the world of my characters. I could become so absorbed in my writing that time disappeared. When I get a good idea, I want to chase it down as fast as my fingers can keep up. But, living with chronic pain means I can’t sit for too long at the computer. Also, I will admit it, I can get caught up in the writerly world on Twitter. It may be a procrastination, a distraction, sometimes I can even convince myself it’s scholarly research. But, too long crouched over the phone is also a sure-fire recipe for pain. Then there is getting lost within the pages of a book. Reading has always been a joy for me. Since starting my novel, I have become extra voracious in my reading (it’s research!) Lost in literary worlds, I can sit awkwardly but, like neglected playdough, I am quick to stiffen. Mindful body awareness has helped me become a more productive writer (and reader and consumer of social media). I use a timer and Post-It notes - little reminders to stop and take a break. Like Bea, these reminders help enable me to call myself back to the present. Writing and reading mindfully, in short bursts, allows me to show up again the next day.

Without judgment

When Bea learns mindfulness, she is intrigued by the ‘without judgement’ part of the definition. She knows this won’t be easy because she is a person (like me) who has battled for years with self-doubt and a confidence built on her volatile perception of what others might think. She is an expert at critically judging herself. Mindfulness allows me to leave judgement to the reader with an element of interpretation. This has also given me the freedom to share my work. After all, Andy Warhol said...

“Don’t think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if it’s good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art.”

The thief of joy

Bea learns mindfulness from a Buddhist who has been meditating for years and seems he has it all together, a guru. When she compares herself to him, she comes up drastically short. But we can't be instant experts. Recently on The First Time Podcast, author Leanne Halls gave advice to ‘take your time and not compare’. There is a perilously thin line between learning from others in the writing community and toppling down a rabbit hole of self-doubt and comparison. I have been known to selfishly wallow observing author launch parties, people winning competitions, lucky ducks securing representation and here is me, the newbie, all alone at her computer. Mindfulness has helped me shift away from comparison and towards equanimity. Sometimes I sit back, breathe, and acknowledge that ‘this is how it is.’ But, I also add two powerful words to complete this sentence, ‘right now.’ I can daydream about publication, but I am not there (yet), I am right here, in this moment. I need to be okay with that. I may not compare all the time btu I certainly am going to book into that next writer’s course, read that next writers craft book on or listen to another author interview podcast!

Flipping failure

I was very pleased to learn failure in mindfulness is a success. When Bea talks to her mentor after months of practice, she is worried she’s failing. But the gentle act of noticing is progress. When I did a whole eight-week course, the most common recognition from all participants was how much we failed and what that meant – nothing. Failing just meant we were busy, we were beginners, but we were noticing. Getting comfortable with failure in mindfulness was great practise for me as a writer. Beginning to write my novel has involved fear, disappointment and rejection. I know all about the slush pile and the statistics on how rare it can be to make it through to publication. Rejections have come quick and fast, but I will keep at it. If you are reading this article, it is because I have used mindfulness to help become accustomed to all the rejection letters that came before.

Bea’s invitation to you

Years ago, when I sat to try my first meditation, I had no idea it would change my life. Mindfulness enabled me to live well with my chronic pain. Then mindfulness made another big change in my life. In writing Bea and in continuing my practice, I feel comfortable showing up, each day, pursuing my dream job – writing mindfully.

As I said, Bea is a people pleaser, so, of course, she wants to help you too! How about you go for a walk and sit in the park and ‘just be’ for a few minutes? Drop into your senses observe, feel, listen. But don’t forget your phone/journal so you can incorporate it into your writing.

Why not give it a try?
·               Easy to start with guided meditation apps such as Calm, Headspace and Insight Timer.
·               Open Ground – delivering MBSR courses Australia-wide
·               Buddhism for mothers (okay, so not strictly mindfulness but it was this beautifully written book that was at the forefront of my journey into mindfulness practice)
·               Interview with Jon Kabat-Zinn

Blame and Shame

I have become aware of two previous responses to my chronic pain that I want to change. Change my thoughts, change my response, change my beliefs and change my behaviours.

Blame- When I was diagnosed with scoliosis as a young girl, a family friend suggested to my parents that my twisted spine was a result of “karma from a past life”. He asserted that pain was a burden I would have to carry, for life. My parents brushed it off at the time as ridiculous! At the moment, I am working with a Life Coach and exploring limiting beliefs. Randomly, this incident popped into my consciousness.

Could it be that somehow this triggered a belief that I am to blame for my pain. This is frequently my default response to a flare up. Immediately I will analyse what I must have done wrong to cause it. Did I sit for too long? Did I overdo it? Have I been too lazy and not moved enough? Is it because of something I have eaten? Has my snowballing emotions played a contributing part? All of these questions point the finger solely at me. My fault. This is a blame loop I have been stuck in for a long time.

Shame – All those years of accumulating self-blame become a heavy burden. At some point, pain morphed from my fault not just because of my actions (or inactions) to my fault because I am a bad person. I am weak, I am hopeless. And with this line of thought can easily deteriorate into further poisonous and caustic self-talk. I would never speak to a loved one the way I can speak to myself.

About a year ago, I came across the #10backPainFacts from listening to the Empowered Beyond Pain podcast. Cue several helpful light bulb moments. With the help of a rehab physio, I realised I was constantly tensed to protect my back. Since then, I have learnt to be aware of that and relax more. But the facts also talk about pain being complex and sometimes, even random. I know from my pain science education too that pain can result from mixed messages and crossed wires in the nervous system. So, this supports a different view, pain is not my fault.

Mindfulness of the present moment helps me unshackle from the blame game (what’s happened has happened, so no need to ruminate) and the future (worrying about future actions/inactions). Just be in the moment, right here, as I am.

When I was writing this I was reminded of a scene from the movie, Good Will Hunting. I even went searching for it and had a good cry! Whoa – that one always gets me in the feels.

So, today, I put a hand on my heart and told myself. It’s not your fault.

It was liberating and.….a huge relief.

#MindfulnessInDailyLife

#SelfManageChronicPain

#Shame

#Blame

#ItsNotYourFault

Taking steps together on the pain journey

First published in 'InTouch' magazine - official publication of Muscoskeletal Physiotherapy Australia, a National Group of The Australian Physiotherapy Association (APA), Issue 2 2021, pg.15)

After corrective surgeries for severe scoliosis aged 11 and 16, I spent over 20 years tumbling through the medical roundabout seeking cures, solutions and even a reason for my pain. Throughout this time, I have experienced many different clinicians. One might say, the good the bad and the ugly.

Around 10 years ago, the clinicians at the Barbara Walker Centre for Pain Management at St Vincent’s Hospital in Melbourne helped me turn a corner. They didn’t cure me or fix me. There was no magic wand waving. We worked in partnership, exchanging expertise and experiences. First the very first time, I was shown how I could help myself. And it was life changing. Implementing the many self-management techniques we developed together, I now live well with chronic pain.

Now, I work in the not-for-profit sector where we constantly talk about engagement and partnering. Organisations often have limited resources but will come together to address the complex and intersectional nature of social issues. Sometimes, these partnerships are formalised with a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU). So, when I was asked to write this article, I reflected on how the engagement and partnering required for an MOU could be an excellent analogy for an effective patient-clinician relationship, especially where the patient is dealing with chronic pain. So, let's break it down…

First, let’s listen.

Before you get to formalising a MOU, there is a critical establishment phase in any engagement work. In the past, just telling my story and the impact of my pain left me feeling vulnerable (actually I was usually a crying mess). But when I have felt heard and believed and also received some acknowledgment of the severity of this impact on my daily life, I have felt engaged and ready to get to work.

Recently, in an initial appointment after I gave my well-versed backstory, my clinician acknowledged my hard work and told me I was the best person to understand and mange my condition. I often keenly felt the power imbalance when working with a clinician where this was not genuinely acknowledged.

I recognise that sometimes this is not always possible. Time to listen and share in the allotted time of an initial appointment can be challenging. So this can be where some pre-work can be helpful. I have been to pain management clinics where clinicians provided pre-admission surveys and I have also proactively provided my medical history or other relevant information. A helpful online resource here is Pain Train – My health summary which provides a platform for people with chronic pain to provide access to their healthy information before an initial appointment.

The Who, Why and What factor.

For any relationship to work effectively there needs to be the give and take of both parties. I believe that managing expectations forms a large part of a successful two-way partnership. By understanding why each party has come to the table and what they expect to take away from the interaction – there can be no unmet expectations.

I think we also sometimes need to be honest and just agree that magic pills and cure-all’s rarely exist so let’s scrap “No Pain” from the Wishlist. This was my biggest problem in early days. I was expecting a clinician to cure or remove my pain - for good. I was often told to try this technique, this exercise and when I did (sometimes only a handful of times) and the pain persisted, I gave up. Being really clear on what you will do, how will you do it, how often etc., can springboard astounding change. If this is not clearly articulated and agreed early in the relationship then how will the partnership be able to demonstrate its success?

Also important is a very clear understanding of why you are working together – what is driving a need for change. This was huge for me. After an emotional conversation with my husband, I realised the impact my pain was also having on him – he called them his “darkest days” and that was a huge motivational force for me to change my approach. I was not going to inflict those dark days on my family or myself again.

Proactive and curious.

When both patient and clinician have an open mind, are curious and are committed to trying new things, learning new things, there can be some real change – even those sought after “Ah-ha!” moments. When rigidly attached to pre-conceived ideas, dogmas or stereotypes, growth and development is unlikely.

After a great initial consult, a clinician suggested something to me which was a bit left of field, something I had never considered. He presented the information as an option for me to consider – almost like he simply was wondering aloud. He suggested I go home, think about it and we talk about it next time. He also followed up with an email of resources to back up his suggestion. This appealed to me with my academic research background. He was proactive but gave me the space and freedom to respond rather than forcing a knee-jerk reaction (which probably would have been to brush him off, dismiss or flat out refuse his suggestion).

Similarly, when I was working with clinician in the pain management clinic, we were shown gentle exercises, new ways of thinking about our pain. Much of it was so different to the 20 years of baggage I had brought with me. I was terrified I would never be able to change. They didn’t just explain these new techniques, but showed me how to use them in daily life over the 3 week course. Many times, I had been blown off with a throw away line “Oh, you really should just pace yourself”. During my pain management course, I was shown what pacing really means – shown from scratch – testing pain thresholds, setting up baselines etc.

I actually had a light bulb moment in the hospital toilets. Unfamiliar with opening a door outwards, I would push and slam into the door. It’s embarrassing to admit but this went on every time I went to the toilet for the first week. One day, early in the second week, I stopped at the door, smiled and...pulled. In a blinding flash of clarity, it became obvious that habits can change. Your mind does learn new tricks. This gave me hope. If after 20 years of responding to pain with the same automatic unhelpful thoughts (which I have learnt only amplify my pain), then I do have the power to change these thoughts.

Get specific.

The crux of the relationship is how patient and clinician will interact – what work will be undertaken, together. Once we have moved passed the expectations of the interaction. Determining an agreed set of goals, it a great starting point (and they need to be SMART – specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and with a timeframe). By determining these goals, expectations previously determined can be met.

A part of being realistic was recently well demonstrated when a clinician I was working with gave me a “flare up” pass. We had set up a set of exercises to work on over the next week and he said to expect a flare up. Something about calling this out up front made me relax. And when the pain did escalate later that week, I wasn’t surprised, and I did not give up. I just tried again the next day. I think if he had not mentioned it, I might have been quick to jump to a conclusion that the exercises had caused the pain and I should stop them.

Reassure.

Often partnerships work when both parties regularly share common experiences to establish familiarity and a sense of common purpose. I have experienced the calming sense of reassurance that has come from learning about pain science and common experiences.

Clinicians see a lot of people dealing with chronic pain and they would hear the same laments and frustrations. Letting patients know that the dark and depressing thoughts and reactions they are having to their pain are common can be immeasurably comforting and reassuring. I was very relieved to know I was not crazy. Chronic pain is a very raw experience – many people react in the same way.

I have long battled with fear when it comes to pain. Fear that I have caused my pain, fear that whatever I choose to do will impact on my pain and fear that my pain will never change or go away – fear that it might even get worse. All the “what ifs” that a scared brain that is trapped in catastrophe can dream up.

When clinicians have shared pain science information and talked me through what is currently happening with my condition, it has helped to allay these fears. Recently I mentioned this fear to a clinician. I had suggested this “new” pain was different and I was concerned something had happened, worsen, changed. He asked a few simple questions about nerve conduction, bladder and bowel function and he quickly ruled out serious impacts. After that I felt immense relief and the fear almost immediately dissipated.

Keep talking.

Chronic pain is complex and constantly changing due to the many biopsychosocial factors impacting on it. Part of keeping a good relationship going means communication. Updating, exploring, but importantly to be flexible to adapt to the changing circumstances.

I have always felt well supported when I can tell a clinician things are not working and we need a new approach. Its easier to tweak a program than to be constantly feeling the pressure of it not working. After telling a clinician a few years back that the program he had given me was just too hard to fit into my daily life, we made some changes. He gave me some exercises to do during the day at work so my early morning routine was less pressured.

Focus.

I have learnt through many years of difficult times to focus where I want to go, to focus on what I can do, not on the many impacts of my pain. By focusing on what I wish life was like or what I want to do but am physically limited, all I end up feeling is frustrated, resentful and depressed.

Formalising the relationship, expectations and goals in a clinician-patient relationship with an MOU could help to concentrate and retain this focus. In the long term, when a patient may need to acknowledge and accept pain as a part of their life, this direction can be invaluable. Having a supportive clinician who can help maintain this positive focus – especially when things get hard, can be the difference between keeping you on track and falling back into unhelpful behaviours.

Mandy Mercuri lives in the foothills of the Dandenongs with her family. She loves to share her experiences about self managing chronic pain (Take Hold of Pain blog) and being mindful (Just Be – the mindfulness in daily life blog). Writing has played a big part in her professional (PhD, academia, report writing) and personal life (blogging, public speaking). She believes in the transformative power in reading a great book that touches your heart. Now, Mandy is taking a year off to manage her health and to write - her adult gap year. She is writing her first novel, ‘Just be’, about woman whose life has been thrown up in the air when she makes an unlikely friendship with homeless man who agrees to teach her mindfulness then their families become entangled. It’s a tale about unconditional love, forgiveness and not just knowing who you truly are but having the courage to be that person. Contact Mandy via Twitter here.

It is raining at Saddle Club

The rain on the roof has a rhythm but just when I think I have nailed the pattern of sounds, there’s a change. A conglomerate of drips.

The downpipe is overflowing and slapping great gushes onto the wooden table.

The frogs have started up their chorus as if signalling to prospective mates rain's aphrodisiac effect.

The laden clouds have lowered and covered the distant blue grey smudged hills.

Activity flurries as riders and horses move towards cover.

There are no individual drops just a sheen of downward movement tricking my eyes.

Leaves bob merrily as raindrops use them as a springboard. Drop and drip.

Birdsong has ceased. They have sought refuge and hidden from view.

Horses ears are perked to attention but flickering and twitch with each droplet.

Puddles ripple with the raindrops and each pool is like its own mini disco, lights flashing.

In the puddles, I see the sky and trees reflected, an upside-down wet world.

The air is crisp but not cold, so I sit in peaceful awareness, a smile dancing on my lips.

The person in the Mirror

A quote that real hit me in the feels was this:

If you are looking for that one person to change your life, look in the mirror.

For so long I was desperately seeking a cure, a magic pill, someone (anyone!?) to take away my pain. I never realised there was so much that I could do that would impact my experience of pain. Often we search outside of ourselves for help, redemption, reassurance, satisfaction. We actually have much more control over these things than we realise – if only we choose to seek it and believe it.

Mindfulness has helped me realise this. And it comes from the “without judgement” part of being aware of my present moment experiences. In doing so I can be aware of the things within my control and those that are influenced by or forced upon me by others. Even just the ability to identify my thoughts and not allow them to carry me off into dark places.

Yet, sometimes having all the control can also be challenging. There are times when I feel tired, overwhelmed and convinced I cannot do it. I notice these thoughts. And I will look back at that face in the mirror and tell myself. Just do the next right thing.

Recently my son was talking with his peers at school about social injustice. Apparently, the whole class was fired up about a number of problems they saw in our world. I am grateful to hear that their teacher had directed the conversation towards solutions. He had asked me that night what can one person do to make a difference. He felt numbed into inaction by the feeling of overwhelm at the enormity of the problems they had discussed. We talked at length about how one person can make a difference. I used myself as an example, by choosing to self manage my pain I was able make massive changes in my daily life. I was able to return to work, to re-connect with friends and family, to pick myself up and starting living fully once again. I use this story and my experiences to share with others hoping that somewhere, someone might read some of my reflections and make their own changes.

Another example I told him about was my Dad. At age 80 and somewhat sparked by recent lockdowns, he has gotten into Facebook. He has been sharing some tunes he has made online. He has compiled them into a CD and is sending it to people, asking them to pass on the favour by either doing a random act of kindness or contributing to their local charity. This is one person, doing something and making a difference. Paying it forward.

One person, making a commitment to themselves, to act, to make a change. It is possible.

I have experienced this first hand, big changes in our life come when we start with the person in the mirror. Be kind to that person because they are always there. As Jon Kabat-Zinn says “wherever you go, there you are". There’s no hiding from that person. So why not be their friend, their ally, their cheerleader.