Doctor

Around this time, about 14 years ago, I was stressed and nervous hovering over stacks of pages. I was submitting my PhD thesis. 

 

In the years since then, I have told myself a number of stories about the entire process:

 

·      Dr is just a fancy box you can tick for fun on forms (I only ever did it a handful of times in the census and once on a bank statement).

·      To include Dr in front of your name is cocky and embarrassing.

·      My PhD is not relevant to what I am doing now (I willingly gave up academia for a joyous immersion in motherhood).

·      I never “did anything” with my PhD so why bother mentioning it.

·      I am not smart enough anyway.

·      I don’t belong in the PhD tribe.

 

It is time I changed the story. Pick one, pick them all – all are worthy of respect. 

 

·      I undertook 4 years of hard work, perseverance while battling the imbalance of my gender.

·      I learnt an abundance of skills that are transferrable in all parts of my life from parenting to relationships, to work and being a decent human. Skills such as resilience, flexibility, negotiation, collaboration and advocacy.

·      I learnt other skills I may not use as often but demonstrated to me my ability to learn and grow – such as designing, implementing and analysing a long-term scientific study, publishing my research in peer-reviewed journals, OHSC skills, how to program an irrigation timer, and even, statistics (urgh, the mere mention of the word brings on heart palpitations).

·      I built a strong foundation in oral and written communication (and that’s not just fancy for my CV and future paid employment but in day to day life).

·      Pursuing study meant sacrificing years of wage contribution to our family household budget

 

So, in honour of all those who supported me through that time all those years ago, many who still stand beside me, and to tell myself a story I need to hear, I am proud of that commitment and that achievement. So today, I add two letters for all that work…with pride and confidence. And to show all those others out there, that we are all worthy of the PhD tribe. 

Sometimes - a poem for IDPWD2021

I have been grappling with a question for some time...

Is #disability a spectrum I can be on?

On this day, International Day of People with Disabilities, I offer a poem in salute to you all.

And, the answer, for me, is:

#sometimes

Sometimes I wish people knew how I feel,

Sometimes I wish the pain wasn’t so real.

Sometimes I push through, so hard I am crying,

Sometimes I breeze through without even trying.

Sometimes my actions are dictated by “I should…”

Sometimes my actions dampened, “I wish I could…”

Sometimes I seek compassion, understanding to be heard,

Sometimes I receive pity and hate every word.

Sometimes I make plans, confident I can hold back the tide

Sometimes I make excuses, am embarrassed and I hide

Sometimes people see the real me, I feel emboldened, aflame

Sometimes people see the real me and all I feel is the shame

Sometimes I pretend so I will be accepted, the same

Sometimes I pretend and, again, comes the shame

Sometimes I see hope, it is lights me up with its spark,

Sometimes I am hopeless, alone in the dark.

Sometimes I don’t know how I got to where I am - its chilling!

Sometimes I don’t know how to move forward - it’s thrilling!

Sometimes I advocate for those whose voices are soft

Sometimes I hold my strength determinedly aloft

Sometimes I am able, sometimes I am not

Sometimes I make do, happy with all that I’ve got

Sometimes I feel blessed when loved ones appear

Sometimes I am terrified it will all disappear

Sometimes I show up, oversharingly true

Sometimes I know there is so much more I can do

Sometimes I make mistakes and I grow, I learn

Sometimes the mistakes repeatedly churn

Sometimes I’m a row boat, madly paddling turbulent seas

Sometimes I’m the yacht, calmly following the breeze

Sometimes, to save other people’s feelings, I deceive

Sometimes, to save my own feelings, these stories I believe

Sometimes I am convinced I know just what they’re all thinking

Sometimes into despair and destruction I go sinking

Sometimes the bells are ringing

Then the pendulum is swinging

In this crazy pool of humanity all of us bathe

Sometimes drowning, sometimes saved

Sometimes on the edges, sometimes floating, adrift

Sometimes the grateful observer, sometimes embroiled in the rift

Labelling, change and confusion

Certainty, hope, careless delusion

But.

There are a few, and they know who

For whom I am certain…

All of the time, you love and you care

And when I cannot, you will be there

To everyone else,

Look closely, please don’t judge or assume.

Just as the sun shines one day, dark clouds also loom.

Be compassionate and kind

Be honest, of open mind

Sometime is the one time we have to be free.

This one, precious moment, to just be.

Be Me.