The steaming pile - dealing with irritability

Reaction: Irritability/Anger. 

Some days, everything just annoys me. I want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum. Things that normally I would calmly deal with or ignore have me huffing, sighing exasperatedly or cruelly snapping. The constant attempt to contain it is like forcing the lid down on a bubbling soft drink that is ready to explode. It is very hard work. Sometimes, it bubbles over without being able to control it. Watch out because there is no mindful pause. There is no consideration, it just pours forth, pure molten rage. 

Response: Awareness without judgement (the hard bit!) Here are 2 techniques that help me. And both are responses after the fact. Mindfulness practice has helped reduce the frequency of outbursts as I become calmer and less reactive but... let's face it, there will be times when it cannot be contained. So...

Name it. A good friend of mine and I recently had a good chat about how we are both feeling in these uncertain times. She suggested that naming your emotions can help. Mindfulness gives me the space to notice and awareness to understand those feelings. As I say to my kids, anger often masks another emotion so if I am feeling angry or irritable then often I need to pause and reflect. Something else is going on below that and I need to figure that out. For example, when irritability was arising w while back during lockdown, I took myself off for a walk. I thought about how I was feeling fed up and annoyed. But I also reflected that I was bored. Bored with being at home, bored with the lack of urgency to anything. Here is a good feelings wheel. 

Apologise. Over time I am getting better and better at this. Mindfulness has helped me to put aside the guilt and shame feelings and just clearly identify the mistakes and be honest and open in apologising. The kids especially appreciate this and it also allows me to demonstrate a healthy relationship behaviour. I hope they can notice and take this practice themselves as they grow and mature. I have recently listened to a good podcast which unpacks the art of the apology. It is well worth a listen.

And if this is something you can easily relate to, you may be interested to know that I recently realised that sometimes my periods of irritability were linked to well, my periods! I have been tracking symptoms with my cycle and there is such a thing as "Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). It is a cyclical, hormone-based mood disorder with symptoms arising during the premenstrual, or luteal phase of the menstrual cycle and subsiding within a few days of menstruation. It affects an estimated 5.5% of women and AFAB individuals of reproductive age." For more information, look here. 

Curiosity - cat killer or mindfulness superpower?

I had an enlightening chat yesterday to a good friend of mine who knows me well. I had volunteered myself as a guinea pig for her to practice a new strengths profile. Unlike the traditional Myers Briggs, this one goes a step further and looks at characteristics that you possess that also give you energy and those that drain you. So we had a robust discussion about things I am good at and things that I tend to avoid. We also discussed the fact that I completed the survey on the evening of a day I was having an extreme flare up and how this might that have impacted the outcome.

So today, I want to talk about curiosity. For me, this came out as one of my top strengths - I use it a lot and it gives me energy. The strengths profile came with caveats - use with caution. When you are curious by nature, you can come up with lots of questions and sometimes no answers. So it did make me reflect (Well, of course I did because I am so curious!), how often does my curiosity get me into trouble?

Cat killer. Living with chronic pain for 20+ years means I am often thinking about my pain. Why do I have it? What have I don't to cause it? Why me? This kind of questioning and curiosity can lead to over-thinking, rumination, catastrophising. It was my default use of my curious muscle for many years until I learnt how unhelpful and destructive it can be. So, it is true, if I use my curiosity only to come up with questions (and questions that may be unanswerable or focus on the negative) then I have no answers. These questions only lead to more pain. More anguish and do not help focus me towards achieving a goal or helping myself (main purposes of self managing chronic pain). 

Then, I leaned to use my curiosity superpowers for good.

Mindfulness Superpower. Learning about mindfulness was a turning point in my life. It has helped in so many ways. Choosing to be aware in the present moment has saved me from the deep darkness that can come from focussing on the past (normally this is a self loathing shame over poor choices) or the future (catastrophising about worsening pain and its impacts on my life). But here, right now, in this moment, none of that matters. I can be curious about my breath, my senses, the little things that can bring pleasure. Mindful curiosity in the present moment means I am not focusing on the why I got here but just that I am here. Pain might be here with me but I can be curious about that. I can be curious about other parts of my body, my experience, my thoughts. After deepening my practice, I can also be curious about my responses and reactions in daily life. I can note my thoughts and emotions. But the key to this kind of curiosity is to do so without judgement. I can now say to myself "How interesting, you are thinking this." or "How interesting, you just performed that task and held your breath." or "How interesting, you chose to do this and not that." But the secondary question that I am slowly starting to ditch is this "What does this mean?" or "Why?". Maybe that part isn't as important as just the noticing. Being curious in the present moment is different to being curious to the point of chasing questions down into a ditch until the answers to the questions become toxic and unhelpful. 

"Why?" It just is. Move on. 

If you want to use your curiosity in the present moment, here are some great introductory resources.